LoTR's Trip to Canada!
by Lady Charity
Summary: LoTR are tired of destroying rings, so they take an impromptu trip to Canada! They face crazy fangirls, dead ladybugs, singing hobbits, lucky elves, middleearth idol, and more. Laughter guaranteed or your reviews back!
1. wrong lights, bad food, and dead ladybug

**A/N YES! IT IS ME, THE AMAZING LADY CHARITY! FEAR ME, FOR MY SUMMONED DAEMONS SHALL CONQUER YOU! MUAHAHAHA! (spell fizzles) uh oh...**

**HAVE MERCY! **

Legolas: climb up on the car, Aragorn, we're gonna be late!

Aragorn: WAIT! I GOTTA FIND MY SHAMPOO!

Eowyn: It's over here; I got it. Your shampoo is the Strawberry and Cream, right?

Legolas: That's mine, you idiot!

Arwen: and mines the blueberry and cream, don't forget that, Eowyn!

Eowyn: Then Aragorn's is (pulls out a bottle from her suitcase) this one, right?

Aragorn: YOU TOOK MY PEACHES AND CREAM SHAMPOO!!!

Galadriel: Now don't fight you two!

Faramir: who's driving the car?

Legolas: I will.

Zoom 

(Setting: on the airplane going to Canada)

Faramir: Eowyn, you don't look good, sweetie-moochie-poo.

Eowyn: (hurls into bag air pilots provide and steals Faramir's)

Legolas: Aragorn! Your foot is on me.

Aragorn: (yawn) sorry, but when you're sleeping it's hard to control your body parts.

Galadriel: I need to go to the bathroom. Excuse me Aragorn, Arwen…

Arwen: Ouch! You stepped on me!

Galadriel: sorry sweetie

Aragorn: calm down, Arw- (does not continue, is too tired and sleeps)

Pippin: I'm soooo hungry. When's dinner coming?

Frodo: not till a long while, pip. It's only three PM!

Boromir: who's up for some arm wrestling??

Faramir: Oh, fine, I'll do it

Faramir and Boromir: (push each other's arms, grunt grunt)

Boromir: I win!

Faramir: no kidding. (Goes back to sleeping)

Merry: so how long have we been on here?

Frodo: erm, about ten hours or less

Pippin: if only we could go faster…

Galadriel: I'm back from the bathroom. I saw the food trolley coming our way.

Pip: O good, I'm, like, so totally, like, starving.

Merry: Yeah, it's best if we don't keep him starving. (Leans over and whispers to Frodo) he's really psycho if he doesn't eat.

Food Trolley person: Hello, first class passengers! Today you have a selection of sea cucumber, cow tongue, and chicken legs.

Merry: I think I'll pass for this time.

Gandalf: same

Legolas: I'll just eat that corned beef sandwich I packed…

Aragorn: I'm so hungry, might as well take the tongue.

Arwen: I'll share with him.

Hobbits: I'll pass.

Boromir: same

Faramir: same

Eowyn: What I'm worrying is what the third class people get if we're in first.

Food Trolley Person: who says they get food?

Finally off the plane and in Montreal, Canada!

Legolas: (comes back from the car-and-cottage renting building) Ok, we're gonna take the mini van, 'cause it's cheaper.

Galadriel: I'll drive.

Arwen: what's our cottage called?

Legolas: they said it's called the Neptune Cottages. I think it's really nice. I heard there is a lake next to it. I think that's lake Ontario. Close to the beach.

Aragorn: nice

(Everyone piles into the van)

Faramir: AAAA! It's too crowded in here. Are you all right, Eowyn?

Eowyn: I'm fine, Faramir (rolls eyes)

Galadriel: put on your seatbelts.

(While driving)

Pippin, Merry, and Frodo, singing: We'll be coming around the mountains when we come!!!

Boromir: Yeeha!

PMF: we'll coming around the mountains when we come!!!

Faramir: Yeeha!

Eowyn: would you PLEASE stop it? You're driving me carsick.

Legolas: Galadriel! That was a red light!

Galadriel: No, it was green.

Legolas: red!

Galadriel: Green!

(They both quarrel and stop, seeing they are so far from the streetlights anyways)

Galadriel: Arwen, do we turn left?

Arwen: Right!

(Galadriel turns right)

Arwen: Nana! You're supposed to turn left!

Galadriel: you said right!

Arwen: I meant, "Right, turn left!"

Galadriel: that's too confusing! From now on say 'correct'!

Arwen: only corny people say that!

Galadriel: (rolls eyes) that means Aragorn is corny, he says correct.

Arwen: (blushes)

(At the cottage)

Legolas: Oh my word, FINALLY.

Aragorn: This is a nice cottage. Rather modern, an upstairs, three bedrooms upstairs with queen sized beds and one at floor level, very bright, I like it.

Eowyn: I wanna sleep with Faramir on the floor level; it looks prettier. I mean, this curtain is so the fash!

Legolas: I'll sleep with Boromir then, on the prettiest top floor.

Aragorn: I HAVE DIBS ON ARWEN IN THE BIGGEST ROOM!!!

Arwen: That's a bit selfish, Aragorn.

Galadriel: Don't worry dear; with me sleeping with the hobbits, we don't need the biggest room.

Frodo: I wanna go to the beach.

All Hobbits: B-E-A-C-H, B-E-A-C-H, BEACH!!!

Boromir: all right, all right, we'll go, gather all your stuff.

(At the beach with the ol' lake of Ontario)

Arwen: eeew, there's DEAD LADYBUGS ALL SCATTERED AROUND HERE!!!

Eowyn: totally gross.

Faramir: I love your bikini, Eowyn.

Eowyn: (tiptoes through the beach that is infested with dead ladybugs-literally) Isn't there another beach, Legolas?

Legolas: Well, there is. But it isn't really a beach. You can swim in the water and…Oh, why don't we just go there?

Arwen: Gladly.

(At the other beach. It is very beautiful but it is peaked, sort of. I mean that it has rocks than sand, but nevertheless, all of the loved it.)

Hobbits: GEROMINO! (Cannonballs into water)

Eowyn: Gosh! You made me all wet!

Arwen: that's the whole point of a beach.

Aragorn: Come in the water, Arwen! It's lovely!

Arwen (shakes her head and smiles and returns to sunbathing)

Eowyn: Faramir, what's that in your hand?

Faramir: (holds up oyster)

Eowyn smiles and stands up. But she slips on wet rock and tumbles down, down, down… her head hits a rock and is unconscious into the water.

Faramir: EOWYN!!!!!

Legolas rushes to get a stretcher. Faramir dives into the water to retrieve his lover. Carries the limp body of Eowyn up.

Legolas: (dressed in nurse clothing with a stretcher on wheels) Ok, Faramir, the hospital would be at the upstairs bedroom, people to wait would be in the living room, Aragorn and Arwen, go get some atheles!

Legolas rushes to get Eowyn to the 'hospital'. The visitors run into the living room where they find a receptionist that Legolas had quickly hired, Frodo.

Frodo: Good morning. We would like the visitors to sign their names on this piece of paper, please and who you would want to visit soon.

Faramir: Frodo, this ain't a joke.

Frodo: Legolas said he wanted this to be organized.

Faramir: Frodo, snap out of it! Let's all just visit Eowyn.

Frodo: but, but I'm getting paid one dollar per thirty minutes!!

Meanwhile…

Arwen: (picks atheles) Come on Aragorn! Work faster.

Aragorn: wheeze

They both rush their packages of atheles to Legolas.

Legolas: Thank you for the plants.

Legolas grinds the atheles till it is soft and places it on Eowyn's head. Then he bandages her head with the atheles under it.

Arwen: Would she be ok?

Legolas: No doubt that her injuries are large, but she'll be all right. I think it might shrink her head though.

Aragorn: She needs it.

**I shall hypnotize you...**

**you will review this story...**

**you WILL review this story...**


	2. Even Rain doesn't stop them from fun

In the Living room….

Frodo: All right, Boromir, since you signed first your meeting would be assigned three o' clock sharp.

Faramir: Hey! Why can't I go first? I'm her boyfriend!

Frodo: Then you're treading in bad waters.

Faramir: since I'm his brother, can't I go with him?

Frodo: would you rather not go at all?

Faramir: (shuts his mouth)

Frodo: much better. Now. Since Pippin and Merry are small, they get to go together at three thirty exact.

Faramir sulks.

Frodo assigns everyone at a certain time. Faramir is last.

Legolas: (comes downstairs) We may start the visiting sessions.

Boromir climbs up the stairs to Eowyn.

Arwen: Please keep your hands to yourself. Here, wear these.

Arwen hands Boromir rubber gloves, suit and mask.

Arwen: Please stay at least one foot away from her, please.

Boromir: ...

And so on and so forth. It is Faramir's turn.

(Same routine)

Faramir: Eowyn!!

Faramir stares pitifully at Eowyn's pale limp form. Her bandaged head, her golden hair, her…

Arwen: You've been staring for thirty-one minutes. Your time's up.

Faramir: What??!!

Faramir climbs downstairs while the hobbits are cooking a beef stew for dinner. Frodo strips out of his receptionist clothing and helps with the garlic bread.

Galadriel: I'm bored, who wants to play twister.

Boromir: ME!!!!

Aragorn: (just came downstairs) Me.

Arwen: me

Faramir: Me I suppose.

Galadriel sets up the twister object and spins first.

Faramir: right hand (sob) red. Like blood of Eowyn...

Galadriel puts her hand on red. Faramir is thinking tediously about Eowyn.

Boromir: I have left foot green!

Arwen: Hmph, I have right foot blue.

Aragorn also plays.

Faramir: Left foot blue (sob), like the color of the sea Eowyn plunged into...

Arwen:...

Aragorn: ...

Galadriel: ...

Pippin: Merry, you're putting a lot of garlic on your bread.

Merry: That's a specialty, Pip. Hey Frodo, how's it going with the tots?

Frodo: good…

Merry: Pippin! You're eating the soup!

Pippin: (blushes) oops.

Legolas: (comes downstairs) Eowyn is awake. Those who wish to see her line up here.

Faramir bounds in front of the line before anyone else get up.

Legolas: All right, Faramir, sign your name next to four o clock.

Faramir hurries to sign and rushes upstairs.

Faramir: Eowyn! Are you all right.

Eowyn: I'm all right.

Faramir slips on his rubber suits and all and kisses Eowyn. He notices that her lips were pale and a bit cold.

Eowyn: My head hurts every now and then, but it's not too bad. Legolas says that it's not too deep. And Aragorn says that my lips aren't that cold.

Faramir: HE TOUCHED YOUR LIPS??

Eowyn: I hope not.

They both hug for a very, very, very, very, very ,very long time.

Legolas: (comes inside room) Your times up, Faramir.

Faramir: get well soon, Eowyn.

Faramir climbs down the stairs to see the rest of the clan playing Sorry.

Frodo: Dinner est servi!

Everyone runs to the table and stares hungrily at the food. Nurse Arwen picks a plateful of food, puts it on a tray with a glass of water, and brings it up with a small vase of flowers to Eowyn.

Faramir: (runs to Arwen) Let me do it.

Arwen: All right, but leave her after you give it. She hinted she wanted a nap.

Faramir: (brings it up to Eowyn. Arwen is right, Eowyn was sleeping, puts tray on table next to bed and leaves)

Aragorn: Mmmm, this is good, you little halflings.

Frodo: Thank you, Aragorn, it's a shire specialty/

Legolas: (comes downstairs) Everyone, since the atheles were spectacular, Lady Eowyn has gotten better.

Faramir: (Rushes to his love) EOWYN SWEETIE MOOCHI-POO!

Eowyn: J now, I already had dinner. How about we play Monopoly after this?

Legolas: fine with me.

After Dinner.

Legolas: Ha! You landed in my house, so you owe me four dollars, Aragorn!

Aragorn: Shucks. (forks over the ca-ching)

Legolas: my turn then…(rolls dice) move six! Ha, I got the railroad track! (rolls again) two. I'll buy the house.

Arwen: Since you passed the go, get two dollars.

Faramir: Ah, Arwen! Why did you tell him that? Now he's still the richest!

Galadriel rolls dice.

Galadriel: I'm back at my house!

Faramir: (rolls dice) NO! NOT THE JAIL!

Pippin: either cough up or stay Faramir.

Faramir: (gives money) I'm so poor.

Frodo: Let's see, I pass the beginning, I get two dollars, then…Ah shucks, I don't even need to go to the bathroom!

Legolas: Fork it over and lose a turn, Frodo.

Merry: Hmm, I'll buy the house.

Aragorn: I'm a bit tired…I'll stop for tonight.

Arwen: so am I.

Galadriel: let's stop then.

Everyone goes to bed.

Arwen: So, Aragorn, how do you like Canada?

Aragorn: I think it's really nice.

Arwen: (sigh) It's so romantic here.

Aragorn snuggles up with Arwen and sleeps.

At morning, Arwen wakes early.

Arwen: (yawn) let's see, I'll cook everyone pancakes then.

Legolas comes out.

Legolas: Mmm, those pancakes smell good Arwen.

Arwen: Why thank you J

Meanwhile in the bathroom.

Frodo: (brushes teeth) wfy fillu fiffin…

Pippin: what did you say, Frodo?

Frodo: mmfy fmed, wfy fillu fmiffmen!

Pippin: I'm sorry, I just can't understand:

Frodo: (spits) I SAID, WHY HELLO PIPPIN. SHEESH, WAS I SPEAKING ELFEN TO YOU??

Pippin: looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed…!

Galadriel: (enters the bathroom) make room, halflings.

Frodo and Pippin stand aside as Galadriel brushes her teeth.

In Faramir's bedroom.

Faramir: (wakes up) Yawn! What a terrible ordeal I had to go through!

Eowyn: (wakes up) what is it, honey?

Faramir: I dreamed, I dreamed you plunged into the sea again! And when you came out… you looked like…. gasps Boromir!

Eowyn: That's scary?

Faramir: To me it is.

Everyone goes downstairs to eat pancakes.

Boromir: mmm, this is good Arwen! Is it blueberry?

Arwen: no.

Boromir: Raspberry?

Arwen: no!

Boromir: (exasperated) blackberry??

Arwen: (bursts into tears) You can't tell? It's ELDERBERRY! Am I that bad of a cook??!!

Aragorn: (pats Arwen) Boromir, did you have to say that? Even I knew it was strawberry pancakes!

Legolas: Um, it was actually elderberry, Aragorn.

Arwen: YOU CAN'T TELL EITHER??

Aragorn: Arwen! I just got tongue-tied! I knew what it was and it was delish! (crosses fingers) You make the best raspberry pancakes

Arwen: …

Boromir: What should we do today?

Merry: It's raining, there's practically nothing to do.

Boromir: How about we arm wrestle?

Faramir: nah, we already did that.

Boromir: thumb war?

Faramir: fine, but you owe me something.

Boromir and Faramir: (does thumb war, grunt grunt)

Boromir: onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten! I win!

Faramir: (massages thumb and sucks it, returns to eating elderberry pancakes)

Legolas: How about we play Sorry?

Galadriel: I suppose so.

This is the instruction of middle-earth Sorry. You are Frodo. You want to go around middle earth to get to Mordor (home) so you could dump the ring. Every now and then when someone bumps you back to start, which means that a Nazgul carried you all the way back to the Shire. Sometimes there are cards you draw that says things like "you lost your lembas because of darn Gollum who showered Sam over it, lose a turn".

Legolas: Sorry Aragorn, you have to go back to Hobbiton.

Aragorn: (grunts)

Frodo: (draws card) five. One, two, three, four, five. Ooh, I'm in the safety zone. I just need three more!

Galadriel: that's easy to solve. You ARE Frodo

Faramir: My turn (draws card) walk eleven or switch spots with an opponent. I'll switch with Legolas!

Legolas: (sulks)

Arwen: (draws card) Orcs have kidnapped you. Lose three turns. My word, what a nightmare!

Boromir: (takes card) Ah Ha! The Sorry card! Who should I pick…

Boromir looks around the room and stares hungrily at Faramir's piece, which is near Boromir's 'Mordor'.

Faramir: nuh uh, no way, you owe me something so you don't do that.

Boromir: (sulks and switches with Pippin)

Pippin: No fair!

Boromir: should have prepared early, nunskull, now pick a card.

Pippin: (draws card) Shelob has eaten you. You lose. NOOOO!

Merry: well, when one person draws that card the game ends.

Legolas: Frodo won.

Frodo: (looks modest).

Legolas: (sniffs) what's that scent?

Boromir: what scent?

Legolas: It smells rosy, like a rose garden, but lighter. The scent drifts into my pleading nose, like a light rose fog that is warm to everyone, and it weaves through my fingernails, and-

Faramir: (reddens) that's my shampoo.

Boromir: Wow, little brother, I never knew you were-

Faramir: shut it, you. Just because I have rosy shampoo doesn't mean I'm-

Eowyn: Someone stole my shampoo! (cries from bathroom)

Galadriel: what does it usually smell like?

Eowyn: it's Tulip. Faramir gave it to me. He says it is from his favorite Bath and Body Works sho-

Faramir: Eowyn! That was a secret!

Boromir: haha.

Faramir: (reddens) it's in my, um, suitcase.

Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Eowyn takes a bath.

Arwen: So, why are we all talking about shampoos?

Boromir: we never did, but let's start, then! Legolas, what's your sham-

Legolas: Strawberry Bubble bath with the strawberry bubble soap, strawberry shampoo, strawberry conditioner, strawberry toothpaste, strawberry lotion, strawberry hair gel, strawberry floss, strawberry perfume (though I'm not sure if I need it), strawberry hairspray, strawberry shower gel, strawberry bath salts, strawberry bath milk, strawberry Listerine, and strawberry deodorant.

Galadriel: You really like strawberries!

Legolas: what about you, Arwen.

Arwen: (smiles) I have the Blueberry and Cream, Aragorn gave it to me for Valentine's Day.

Eowyn: (steps out of bathroom with towel over her head and towel covering her body) how romantic!

Boromir: Hubba hubba, Eowyn!

Faramir: back off, bro, she's mine.

Aragorn: I feel bad talking about shampoos.

Eowyn: Then what would you propose to do?

Aragorn: for starters, put on clothing.

Boromir: nah, I like her better this way.

Faramir: Boromir!

Boromir: heheh.

Eowyn changes into normal clothing while the others are playing Middle-Earth Idol.

Legolas singing in the tune of the LOTR theme song: Straw-aaa-berr-air-air-ies! Straw-Straw-Straw-ber-ber-ber-ber-rie-ries! Straw-ber-ries!

Arwen: next.

Faramir singing: Eowyn, for you…I WILL DIE FOR YOU!!! LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU…!!!

Eowyn: Awww, Faramir…

Arwen: next.

Aragorn singing in the tune of Claire De Lune: A-R-W-E-N! ARWEN! AR-WEN! AR-AR-AR-WEN!

Arwen: hmm, can't compete with that…still next

Pippin and Merry together: WE ARE FAMILY! ALL MY HOBBIT BROTHERS AND ME!!! WE ARE FAMILY! FAT RING'S GONE DOWN HISTORY, WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH!!!!

Everyone laughs and claps.

Arwen: now, Frodo.

Frodo sings with emotion: twinkle twinkle little ring! How I still think of that thing! Even though it's melted down, even though Gollum has drowned…twinkle little ring! How I want to wear that thing!!!!

Everyone: ...

Arwen: All right then, the winner is Aragorn.

Faramir: Aww, Arwen. Even Simon is fairer than that!

Arwen: (blushes) I liked that song!

Pippin: yeah, yeah, nice excuse.

Arwen: (blushes deep red)

Eowyn walks up to Faramir

Eowyn: Faramir?

Faramir: Mmm?

Eowyn: You know how you have a rosy shampoo and I didn't give it to you and I doubt you would choose it yourself?

Faramir: Look, I'm not-

Eowyn: I know, I know, but…did any OTHER woman give it to you?

Faramir: Fine, fine, her name's Dien.

Eowyn: YOU'RE CHEATING ME?? YOU BETRAYED ME??

Faramir: NO! NO! She just sold it to me, she showed it to me. It was on sale and she said it was all the rage in the north farthing.

Eowyn: Positive?

Faramir: Why would I lie to you, sweetie pie?

Eowyn: (more cheerful) come on, they're playing survivor right now.

They are playing survivor. You have to get to one end of the room to the next without touching the floor. You touch, you're dead. The team is split up into two. Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir, Galadriel, and Boromir. The other is Pippin, Arwen, Eowyn, Merry, and Frodo Your items, two pillows, one hoop, which counts as no floor when you step in middle, a foot scooter, and a rope. The dining room wall to the living room couch. Play Survivor!

Legolas: (leaps) YES!

Pippin: wow, right slap-dab on the pillow.

Eowyn: Pull my rope, Pippin!

Eowyn is on the foot scooter. Pippin is on the hoop.

Pippin: (fiddles with rope and pulls) YAAAA!!!!

Eowyn: Can't you do it a bit faster?

Pippin: Next time, don't eat that many elderberry pancakes anymore, please?

Legolas: (jumps onto living room couch. Passes pillows to Aragorn, who is on the other pillow) Come on!

Aragorn leaps onto a pillow, he puts the old one in front of him and walks on it. Then he takes the other pillow and step on it. So on and so forth. He reaches the couch and throws the pillows to Pippin, who follows Aragorn's way. Then the same with the rest.

Meanwhile…

Pippin manages to pull Eowyn over. Eowyn scoots over to the couch and rolls the scooter to the person on the beginning. Time is running out. Only three minutes left…

Legolas: Come on, Galadriel, you can do it!

Aragorn: yeah, you're our last person!

Faramir: 加油加油加油！

Boromir: what did you just say?

Faramir: nothing.

Galadriel: How many more minutes?

Aragorn: One!

Galadriel hurries up and touches the couch. The Legolas Team wins.

Faramir walks up to Eowyn, who is out of breath.

Eowyn: There. Go on. Brag.

Faramir: I'm not a type to brag.

Boromir: Little bro, so it is that you've found a girl.

Faramir: shut up, you.

Boromir: (snicker snicker)

Frodo: (looks out the window) Man, it's still raining.

Galadriel; Phooey.

Legolas: (looks out window too) Wow, it's so dark.

Aragorn: Ooh, look, there's a basement in this cottage.

Arwen: Really?

Suddenly, the tornado siren blasts out, and it starts raining and thundering!

Legolas: Grab the valuables and needs! (lunges for Strawberry accessories.)

Everyone grabs everything they packed (their suitcases) and tumbles downstairs. To their relief, it is a complete finished basement, with bathrooms and carpet.

The Hobbits sing softly: Rain rain, go away, come again another day.

Boromir: Either way we would experience this, you numbskulls.

Legolas: Hey, I got a pack of cards. Who wants to play Black Jack?

Everyone joins. Legolas uses money as the little strawberry beads he strangely brought. He is the dealer. He passes a card to everyone.

Boromir-five, ten, bets one

Faramir-six, three, bets two

Aragorn-ten, ten, bets three

Arwen- two, ace, bets one

Eowyn-ten, eight, bets one

Legolas- one/eleven, ten, card one flipped over.

Legolas: Aragorn, do you want more?

Aragorn: NO!!!

Legolas: What about you, Boromir?

Boromir: yes.

Legolas hands Boromir a card. Boromir looks at it with shaking hands. He looks at it and jumps a mile high.

Boromir: Oh yea, a four!

Legolas: That's nineteen then.

They all do the same thing. Eowyn lost her bet. Legolas turns over his card to reveal a ten, making Black Jack.

Aragorn: Is it just me, or do you win too many games?

Legolas: just lucky.

Pip: I think the storm stopped.

Everyone tramples downstairs to see a trampoline in their living room

Aragorn: All right, who packed the trampoline?

Legolas: if it were me it would be pink.

Boromir: Wow, are you-

Legolas: no

Then, the door opens to enter a man that owns the cottages.

Cottage Man: Hello, and welcome to Neptune Cottages. Every now and then we would send you things for you to own.

Hobbits: Howubunga!

Legolas: why would you send US the trampoline?

CM: we don't have change for a million, so…

Hobbits jump altogether, making them leap higher.

Pippin: (bumps head on ceiling) Ow!

Frodo: Ow!  
Merry: Ow!

Faramir: Clumsy…completely clumsy…

Legolas: **yawns **I'm so bored.

Faramir: (looks at sky) Hey, maybe we can go to that swimming pool close to here.

Frodo: AWWWW, I wanna stay here with the trampoline!

Aragorn: And get your head flatter and flatter?

Legolas: don't worry about Frodo, Aragorn. His hair is cushy enough to protect him.

Aragorn: I guess.

Swimming Pool.

Legolas: clambers on strawberry suntan lotion Nice swimming pool, aye?

Arwen: Yeah…(returns to sunbathing and snores)

Faramir: hey, where's Boromir.

Eowyn: uh…oh…(rushes away from spot)

Faramir: What is the―ARRGH!

Boromir swims underwater and pulls Faramir's ankles down.

Faramir: (glub glub) I'm siiiinkiiiing…. grabs Eowyn's hand

Eowyn: I won't let go Faramir… (lets go)

Aragorn: (stands on diving board) I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!!

Galadriel: So how much longer do we have here?

Legolas: few weeks. We have to go back to Middle-Earth soon. I heard from Gandalf back from Rivendell that Elrond is getting restless. Peter Jackson ain't so happy either.

Boromir: stands on floaty boat I'M…I'M FLYING, LEGOLAS!!!!!

Legolas: …

Meanwhile….

Pippin: hey Merry, how about we play Silly String?

Merry: Sure!

Pippin: ready, set, GO!!!!!


	3. Toilet Pools and Sticky Silly String

Swimming Pool…

Aragorn: Marco!

Rest: Polo!

Aragorn: (turns right to Legolas) Marco!

Legolas: (goes underwater so he doesn't say 'Polo')

Rest: Polo!

Aragorn: (turns left) Marco―I GOT SOMEONE!

Legolas: darn!

Boromir: is it true?

Faramir: I can't believe it

Arwen: I thought it would be fantasy…

Legolas: what???

Galadriel: you…lost…

Legolas: Oh, shut up.

Arwen: (stretches and puts on sunglasses) I'm glad I don't look that conspicuous.

Aragorn: What do u―

Bunch of girls suddenly appear: IT'S THEM!!!!!!! GET EM, GIRLS!

Legolas and Aragorn: RUN!!!!!!!!

Faramir: I don't know if it's a good thing or not that I'm not as popular.

Boromir: don't worry, lil' bro, we'll get our chance someday.

(back at home)

Merry: Pippin, what are you doing with the silly string??!!

Pippin: Um, I think I stuck the toilet seat closed…

Merry: I NEED TO GO, ARGH!!!!!

Pippin: Um, Um, go outside?

Merry: I think I'll go pee in the swimming pool.

Pippin: Good idea!

Frodo: wait, didn't the others say they were swimming in the pool?

Merry: Nah, I'm sure they're in the beach. Now I really gotta go! (runs)

At the pool

Legolas and Aragorn stagger back, heaving. You can tell that Legolas has a small chunk of hair gone and Aragorn lost his necklace from Arwen

Arwen: YOU LOST THE NECKLACE??????????????

Aragorn: don't fret, Arwen, I'm sure there's millions of replicas back home.

Arwen: But that was the REAL one!

Aragorn: uhhh… sorry?

They all turn their backs toward Merry, who doesn't see them. He immediately pisses and runs away.

Legolas: (turns around) what the… Boromir, what did you do this time?

Boromir: What??

Eowyn: EEW WHO PISSED??!!

Faramir: Evacuate the pool! Evacuate the pool!

Arwen: Boromir this is all your fault.

Boromir: I didn't do it!!

Arwen: You're the only one with yellow swimming suit! All of ours is light colors and you don't see any yellow in that!

Boromir: It was NATURALLY YELLOW!!

Arwen: Naturally as in it was always yellow, or naturally as in the ways nature works?

Boromir: Argh! I'm leaving!

Legolas: And I'm going to go complain.

Back at the cottage.

Merry: Phew! I almost peed in my pants. Good thing that swimming pool was there.

Frodo: I dunno, Merry. You could've just went in the grass.

Merry: But I'll kill the ants! And the mushrooms!

Pippin: (sprays Frodo with silly string) You're it!

Frodo: Oh no you didn't! (picks up silly string and sprays Pippin, but misses and hits TV)

Merry: Oh well, we never use it anyways.

Frodo: I missed! How could I miss??!

Merry: Try hitting him again!

Frodo: You're right. (sprays Merry and runs)

Merry: HEY! (starts spraying the carpet so it's sticky and no one can move) Now you're under MY power! Muahahaha!!

Pippin: If you could move yourself, that is.

Merry: (tries to move) Great….(sprays Pippin)

Pippin: Haha! You missed!

Frodo: But you did hit the ceiling.

The door slams open. Legolas, Boromir, Aragorn, and the others step in.

Aragorn: Caboodles, what happened here??

Frodo and Pippin: (points to Merry) He did it!!

Merry: Um, um…

Aragorn: You're in big trouble, bubba. But in the meantime…how in the name of Sauron are we supposed to move?

Legolas, Arwen, and Galadriel: We're not complaining, we elves can walk through this like snow.

Boromir: Gist. Darn you, J.R.R Tolkien for making me a dead steward.

Faramir: Personally, I think that's a good thing.

Aragorn: I know! Take off your flip-flops! (takes of flip-flops and jumps on couch)

Pippin: Ooh! I know this game! It's called the 'oh no the floor is made of hot lava' game! I wanna play!!

Aragorn: …

Faramir: Lucky for you to say, Aragorn, we didn't wear shoes to the swimming pool.

Aragorn: Umm…too bad for you?

Pippin: What about us??!!

Aragorn: Take off those stupid hobbit feet.

Frodo: Peter Jackson made us glue the shoes on, because it was a pain to remake them every day.

Aragorn: Too bad for you too. Hey, Galadriel, can you feed these stuck unmoving gits when it's dinnertime?

Boromir: Don't call us stuck gits!

Aragorn: Well, if the sticky string fits…

Return to Top


	4. Boromir's Barbeque Blowout

A/N A bit short of a chapter, but it's still good!

A few hours later.

Boromir: My legs are so tired…

Faramir: I know! We've been stuck on the sticky string for four hours!

Pippin: Then sit down!

Faramir: then our but will be stuck to the string!

Frodo: (mutters) not like there's much of a difference…

Aragorn: (jumps onto bookshelf) hey, Arwen, can you get me a glass of water, please? Thanks.

Aragorn suddenly jumps off the bookshelf, landing on the couch. Accidentally, he spills the water on the floor.

Aragorn: shoot.

Pippin: hey, hey! I think we're becoming looser! The water made it slippery! (stand up)

TSO (the stuck ones): (all stand up)

Faramir: We're free! Hallelujah, Hallelujah!

Boromir: Great! Now I can make barbeque for celebration!

Faramir: Um, on second thought, Pippin, can you give me the sticky string?

Pippin: fresh out.

Faramir: Phooey.

Boromir: Now, say say! Legolas, Aragorn, can you buy me some patties, buns, tomato, cheese, and ketchup?

Legolas: whispers to Aragorn let's just buy about ten cooked burgers, shall we?

Boromir: I heard that! Now chop, chop! Get to work!

Legolas and Aragorn get out the house. Now Eowyn, Faramir, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Arwen, and Galadriel shall face Boromir's cooking wrath.

(Few minutes later, Legolas and Aragorn come back)

Aragorn: Phew! We were attacked by a mob of more fan girls!

Legolas: There were more girls than the orcs in Moria and Khaza Dum!

Aragorn: those orcs were a sight nicer than those girls.

Boromir: Less talking, more cooking! These patties better be raw, Aragorn!

Aragorn: We wouldn't have enough time to buy ten burgers from McDonalds take out anyways, darn females….

Arwen, Galadriel, Eowyn: ……

Boromir: Good! Now everyone, outside! We're gonna have an outdoor picnic!

Faramir: NoOoOoOoOoO! Why were we cursed to have Boromir in our summer trip!

Boromir: That's not nice! (turns on bbq) Now, how do you work this thing?

Everyone: ………

Legolas: I still have my corned beef sandwich from the plane.

Pippin, Merry: Ooh Ooh! Give us some!

Aragorn: me too

Galadriel: Me three.

Boromir: Muahaha! The pits of mount doom jr. is sizzling! Now I shall throw in the ten patties to rule them all! (patties sizzle)

Faramir: Jeeminy, are you sure that's my brother?

Legolas: (to merry and pippin) Geez, guys, I don't have enough to feed the entire cast of Lord of the Rings, ya know.

Merry: Mmph?

(few minute later)

Boromir: (wearing a puffy cook's hat) All right everyone! Sit down on that blanket and eat your heart out!

Pippin: That corned beef sandwich, um, filled me up too much?

Frodo: nice try, pip, you only ate ¼ of it.

Pippin: um, um, that bread were lembas! One small bite could fill a full man's stomach, remember?

Legolas: Actually, that bread was the Schwebels…

Boromir: Here ya go! (hands patties, which looks more like coal)

Galadriel: (takes a bite) Urg, Boromir, did you just take the coal from the griller and put the raw patties in as fuel or what? (spit)

Boromir: Everyone, take a bite!

Everyone: (chomp)

Merry: This tastes like Frodo's homemade blackened taters.

Pippin: You're RIGHT! Hey, Legolas, did you buy taters instead of meat?

Legolas: Um…

Faramir: You guys actually like it? It's just coal!

Frodo: But at least it has flavor….of meat and taters! Hey, that rhymes!

Legolas: You guys can have mine then.

Arwen: Mine too

(everyone hands in their burgers—even Boromir)

Eowyn: Well, that was a good try, Boromir. How about take out?

Faramir: I'll call pizza hut pan pizza.

Legolas: agreed.

A/N To tell the truth, i never had a pizza hut pan pizza...


	5. Hiking Can Be Hazardous For Your Health

(THE NEXT DAY)

Aragorn: wake up everyone! We're gonna go HIKING!

Pippin: (yawns) at this time of day? Aragorn, the sun doesn't rise until another hour!

Aragorn: And the ranger's ranging skills are sharper here! Come, let us find deer prints and skunk homes!

Legolas: in that case, I shall bring my strawberry Febreze, deodorant, and perfume!

Eowyn: he's just kidding about the skunks, Legolas. Where you Aragorn?

Aragorn: But I WANNA find skunk homes!

Legolas: in that case, I'm not going!

Merry: aww, come on, pretty boy! You elves are wimps!

Legolas: are not!

Merry: (squeaky voice, imitating legolas) I'm Legolas the Elf, and I think I'm soooooo pretty and I would commit suicide if a smudge of dirt was found on my cheek!

Legolas: (gasps) would not!

Merry: face it, pretty-boy, you're a wimp.

Legolas: (sobs) am not!

Aragorn: aww, leave him alone. C'mon! This'll give us exercise!

Eowyn: Let's go then!

(two or so hours later, Aragorn leading)

Pippin: We're following the leader!

Merry: The Leader!

Frodo: The leader!

Boromir: We're following the leader!

Faramir: Wherever he may go!

Aragorn: We should've never come with those five…I knew we should never have come hiking, Legolas!

Legolas: …

Galadriel: you know where we are, Aragorn?

Aragorn: of course, silly elf! I'm not a bad ranger!

Pippin: (swinging hiking stick like baton) Look at me! Look at me! (hit's Frodo on forehead)

Frodo: (gasps) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Arwen: Nice going, Pippin.

Galadriel: Fool of a Took! Why is it always YOU!

Pippin: Um, Um, sorry, Frodo!

Frodo: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT HURTS!

Eowyn: Aragorn, go find some kingsfoil to heal him!

Aragorn: You won't find atheles in Canada! Let's try the 'modern' way! Where's some antiseptic and bandaids?

Frodo: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Merry: Geez, Pippin, you hit Frodo as hard as Gandalf whammed Denethor with his staff in Minas Tirith!

Pippin: That looked funny, you know.

Legolas: It isn't bleeding, at least. Probably just a bruise.

Frodo: I WANT MY RINGIE! WAHHHH!

Aragorn?

Legolas: ….

Boromir: here, I packed a replica of one for the trip. (pulls out)

Aragorn: (takes it) May I ask why?

Boromir: (grins mischievously)

Faramir: No comment.

Aragorn: Here, Frodo! Here, it's your, um, favorite ringie!

Frodo: RINGIE! (rubs and croons over it) Okay, all better.

Faramir: No comment on that either.

Aragorn: Now that we're done with that little bit, let's go home.

Galadriel: Great, I need to go to the bathroom.

Aragorn: (pulls out map) Hmm…um…uh oh…

Eowyn: Uh Oh? What does that mean?

Aragorn: I can't found where we are…I mean, this place totally doesn't make sense, and I think the cottage lodge is in the wrong spots! This is a messed up map!

Arwen: So we're lost?

Legolas: Ah-bviously

Frodo: (still cooing ring)

Merry: How about we find some taters and fry em, mash em, stick em in a stew…

Aragorn: Or we can eat skunks.

Galadriel: What in the world is up with you and skunks?

Aragorn: Uh…

Boromir: How about we go find a deer or sumthin like that. You ARE a ranger, Aragorn.

Aragorn: You're right! (bends down) Let' see…I see strange, very large footprints that look like a bumpy oval, with strange markings, like special designs. Jeepers, there's tons of them! We'll follow 'em!

Pippin: Hey, look! There's MORE! Behind your own feet!

Aragorn: You're right! (turns around)

Merry: Hey look, Pippin! You're standing on some tracks!

Pippin: You too!

Faramir: GUYS! Those are your own stupid footprints.

(awkward silence)

Aragorn: Uh, Um (clears voice) I knew that. I was just testing everyone else's ranging skills.

Boromir: Riiiiiiiiight.

Legolas: great, now we're lost. This is entirely your fault, aragorn.

Aragorn: But, but, WAHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

Arwen: Darn you, Legolas! (turns to Aragorn) There, there, sweetie, it's not your fault, it's Legolas's…

Aragorn: (stops crying) Okay.

Legolas: So not true!

Eowyn: Shhh! Look! A deer! (points to little cute bambi fawn)

Boromir: (drools)

Faramir: (whispers) We gotta kill it! Boromir! Start singing opera! It's enough to make anything keel over and die.

Boromir: …fine…LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALALALALA LAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA! OHOHOHO LAAAAAAAAAAAAA! LA TA DI DA!DO RAY MI FA SO LA TI DO!

Deer: (gasp cough wheeze die)

Frodo: Score!

Aragorn: Excellent. (rubs hands together) I'll start a fire.

(after thirty minutes later, getting dark)

Legolas: Mmm, that was one nice deer.

Aragorn: agreed.

Eowyn: Better than any Pizza Hut pan pizza I have ever tasted!

(suddenly the fire lets out. All dark)

Galadriel: Great! We jumped off the pan and into the fire!

Faramir: …right…

Aragorn: I got it! Frodo, do you still have that crystal light thingie that Galadriel gave you when we first met?

Frodo: It ran out of batteries.

Galadriel: Shh! You aren't supposed to tell the public that!

Frodo: The fellowship already know, and we're the only ones in this godforsaken forest.

Galadriel: you got a point.

Boromir: don't you have another one?

Galadriel: Not exactly…I had to steal that light from our glowing trees. You thought those tree-lights were natural?

Boromir: Um…

Legolas: This sucks. We're lost, it's nearing our curfew, and I found dirt under my nails.

Eowyn: Give me the map, Aragorn. (takes) In the name of Middle-Earth, Aragorn, son of Arathorn! You had the map upside down! We're supposed to go this way! (points left)

Aragorn: (mutters) I knew that.

Legolas: Finally! Let's get on going, then!

(in the dark, close to home)

Aragorn: Hey look, guys, a little hole! Perhaps it homes cute pygmy bunnies or chipmunks! Let's poke it, flood it, and call it Aragorn-world. (pokes)

(suddenly, a black and white thing rushes out and squirts disgusting odor. They try to run…but it's too late)

Legolas: SKUNK!

Arwen: The odor! (cough cough wheeze faints)

Aragorn: Arwen! (catches, forgets about skunk)

Galadriel: Gag, Gag, I'm Meeeeeeeltiiiiiiing….

Faramir: Man! Arwen's unconscious and we're stinky with skunk and our own BO…Boromir, go get some tomato soup so we can bathe in it!

Pippin: bathe in tomato soup? That ruins it!

Legolas: You don't drink the soup afterwards, Fool of a Took! What did YOU do when skunks sprayed you and you needed tomato soup to bathe in?

Pippin: Um…

Everyone else: ….

A/N Well, I must say, the LoTR crew are FAR from their end of the trip! I know, they're trips take long, but oh well. Watch for the next chapter, When Good Food Goes Bad!


	6. When Good Food Goes Bad

A/N Hola, Amigos! Here it is, chapter 6, what you've been all waiting for! Haha. A very quick period between this update and the last, but that's a good thing, isn't it?

(The Next Day From the Hiking Incident)

Legolas: Phew! That tomato soup worked like magic!

Pippin: (sobs) That was the best tomato soup, of only we could've eaten it…

Aragorn: Trust me, Pip, you wouldn't want to eat it.

Pippin: …and the delicious ripe, ruby tomatoes that when you sink your teeth in it, a burst of juice squirts out…

Eowyn: Someone's hungry. Where's Faramir with the takeout?

Boromir: I bet my horn of Gondor that it'll be the Applebee's takeout stuff.

Galadriel: Oh Yeah? I bet three hairs of mine that it's going to be McDonald's Happy Meal for the halflings!

Merry: Ooh Ooh! I heard that the Happy Meals have LoTR mini rings as their prizes!

Boromir and Frodo: (GASPS) must…have…

Legolas: Well I bet my strawberry perfume that he's going to buy Taco Bell!

Everyone: (GASPS) He's giving up a strawberry product…

Aragorn: Well I bet my Arwen that it'll be Burger King! Besides, he IS the king of Rohan, I think, now he married Eowyn.

Arwen: WHAT? Well, I bet Aragorn's Evenstar that…

Faramir: I'm Hooooome!

Frodo: Give the grub to us now! What is it?

Faramir: Applebees takeout!

Boromir: Oh Yeah! Take that, guys! Hand me your bets! Especially you, Aragorn (GRINS) (GRINS)

Arwen: NOOOOO!

Legolas: Good bye, my dear perfume (sniffles) I will miss you dearly. (hands over)

Faramir: What HAVE you been doing when I was gone?

Frodo: Nothing. But why Applebees? Haven't you learned from past experience? The steak is always cooked wrong, and the potatoes have this strange black stuff in it!

Faramir: The fan girls are at it again. I had to go in incognito and avoid Burger King, because now I'm a king they're bound to think that I'd be there.

Aragorn: (sulks)

Faramir: Well, here you go, guys. Steak and mashed potatoes for everyone

Eowyn: The cursed food….

(A bit of time after dinner)

Merry: Well, that was a good dinner, wasn't it, Pip? Though I had to admit there were some green stuff in the potatoes!

Pippin: Really? Mine too.

Faramir: I think it was on everyone's…

Frodo: It tasted disgusting though. Faramir, what kind of green peppers did you add on our meal?

Legolas: (holds stomach and groans) Those were not green peppers….

Eowyn: Eurgh, I feel sick (hurls on Faramir)

Galadriel: Disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

Frodo: My stomach! It burns, it freezes!

Arwen: I can't see! Wait….(raises hand slightly) I see the light…

Aragorn: (holds Arwen) Stay strong, Arwen!

Boromir: (despite the fact that his stomach is aching like heck) She isn't yours, Aragorn, remember? C'mere, sexy, I'll hold ya….

Aragorn: (cough cough)

Legolas: We've been poisoned! Call 911! Sue Applebees! (collapses and hurls)

Pippin: (mumbles at carpet) Shortcut to the fungi…

Eowyn: (groans) Urg, my stomach…(hurls again on Faramir)

Faramir: Believe me, I'm in a worse situation. (wipes barf on ground)

Arwen: I…do…see…the…light…

Aragorn: NOOOOOOO!

(Half an hour later. Everyone is in sleeping bags in the living room. Seems like Faramir is immune)

Aragorn: (mumbles) Does anyone know how long Galadriel is going to use the bathroom…she's not the only one who has to puke…

Eowyn: (moans) I call next.

Aragorn: What? After I waited all this time?

Eowyn: Tough luck (runs to bathroom right when Galadriel stumbles out)

Boromir: Man, Galadriel, you spent as much time in the bathroom as when we were in slow motion when Gandalf plunged down the cliff of Khaza Dum!

Galadriel: Sorry, but those potatoes are REALLY kicking…

Arwen: I'm sorry, Aragorn…the light of the Evenstar is fading…

Faramir: For goodness sake, Arwen! It's not REAL poison! You'll just have a case of tummy aches and…other stuff.

Arwen: (groans)

Pippin: why did you have to choose APPLEBEES? Now we're sick.

Legolas: This is all your fault, Faramir

Faramir: Come on, now! Be happier! At least it wasn't REAL poison! Want to eat some of the pudding I brought back?

Everyone: (groans) Noooo…

Stay tuned for the next chapter, Silent Treatment vrs. Faramir! Yup, everyone's mad at him...


	7. Silent Treatment Vs Faramir

(Later in the night. Faramir is deep asleep after a long day of cleaning up puke and feeding everyone homemade rice porridge. Everyone else is awake)

Arwen: I…I see the light...

Merry: …right…

Legolas: For the last time, Arwen, you're not DYING!

Aragorn: Gosh, darn Faramir for making us sick! I call a group meeting!

(everyone gathers around. Aragorn leans in)

Aragorn: This is my plan. We give him a silent treatment. Not those corny ones were you write notes to communicate with him, the ones that we ignore him, we pretend he doesn't exist!

Everyone: …

Galadriel: So that's your 'great idea'?

Aragorn: Can YOU think of something better?

Galadriel: Actually, yes. We feed him to a hungry oliphaunt

Eowyn: Now that's a bit too harsh.

Frodo: Oh, so you're going to stand up for the traitor, huh?

Eowyn: Wha—I mean, no, I mean, well, it's not entirely his fault that he chose Applebees!

Arwen: Aren't you a bit mad that you're sick because of him?

Eowyn: well, yeah, but…

Legolas: Then it's settled. We'll start in the morning.

(morning. Everyone is suddenly cured. Breakfast time)

Faramir: Can someone please pass me the butter?

Everyone: … (eats toast)

Faramir: Um, please?

Everyone: …

Faramir: Uhhh…(reaches for butter. Merry suddenly takes it and butters his crossaint)

Faramir: HEY!

(few minutes later. Legolas stands up and 'accidentally' steps on Faramir's foot)

Faramir: Ouch! (whines) Legolas!

Legolas: …

Faramir: …right…(waves hand in front of Arwen) Arwen, can you hear me?

Arwen: …

Faramir: Helloooo? Boromir? Buddy! Can't you talk to me? (playfully punches arm)

Boromir: (flinches but says nothing. For payback, Aragorn knocks down Faramir's cup of milk onto his pants)

Faramir: Heeeeyyy! Aragorn, you klutz! (sighs) Hey Legolas, while you're up there, can you PLEASE get me a napkin?

Legolas: (his hand reaches to the towels, but he catches Aragorn's death glare, squeaks back)

Faramir: Aww, geez, guys, what's wrong? (takes Eowyn's napkin. Eowyn is about to protest but says nothing)

(Breakfast is done. Everyone is doing whatever they want)

Faramir: Galadriel? Can you get me—what the heck, never mind…(turns on tv in protest. Everyone else is upstairs)

Aragorn: Man, this is annoying him like crazy! (high-fives everyone)

Eowyn: Are you sure this is right? He didn't make us sick on purpose, you know.

Boromir: Yeah, Aragorn, (rubs arm where Faramir punched) Man, that little rascal hits hard.

Frodo: I don't really like this. I say we pour some honey on him when he's sleeping and find a hive of red ants

Merry: What if the ants bite us instead?

Pippin: Yeah!

Frodo: tough luck?

Aragorn: Shh, guys! No, we're not doing that. Now that's a little harsh. (drops shield onto ground as if smashing any red ants that were spying) Now let's go back down and do this plan!

(Some hours later)

Faramir: Who's up for some thumb war? Boromir?

Boromir: (almost gets up, but Aragorn pinches him)

Faramir: Arm wrestle?

Boromir: (whimpers)

Faramir: Not even wrestling?

Boromir: (sniffles)

Faramir: (sigh), I guess not. (goes upstairs)

(suddenly, tumbling noises and Faramir returns to ground. Transpires that he stepped on Aragorn's shield and slid back down)

Faramir: (grabs ankle and sniffles) It hurts! I think it's broken (it is)!

Eowyn: (whispers to others) Let's go help him!

Aragorn: No! not until the opportune moment!

Legolas: Wrong movie. PoTC, dude!

Aragorn: Oh well. And the opportune moment is….never!

Faramir: (cries) You guys are so meeaaan!

Eowyn: Aragorn…I'm …sorry but…(rushes to Faramir)

Aragorn: HEY!

(hour later. Faramir needs crutches)

Faramir: You guys are so mean! YOU deserve a silent treatment!

Boromir: Please, with one person?

Faramir: But you guys DO owe me something! Especially you, Aragorn. I slipped on your shield you left on the ground!

Aragorn: Geez, crankypants. Fine, just name it and we'll do whatever.

Faramir: (thinks) well I DO have something in mind….

(later in home. Faramir is wearing Aragorn's crown sitting on a fluffy throne while Boromir and Legolas fan him with large palm leaves. Aragorn is wiping grime off Faramir's feet and the hobbits are belly dancing to I Want It That Way. Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel are the messengers)

Faramir: Eowyn, be a dear and bring me some peeled grapes.

Eowyn: Yes master.

Faramir: How about we all have a feast with that Applebees pudding I brought back! When I say we, I mean me, my stomach, and my dashing good looks.

Everyone else: …..

Pippin: This is all your fault Aragorn, you're the one who promised him.

Aragorn: I find this pretty relaxing. His feet are so clean.

Pippin: Perhaps if you compare them to yours. You're not the one with a gold belly ring.

Merry: (also sporting a belly ring) At least they're fake.

Pippin: Well, I believe the tummies of hobbits are meant to hold food, not be a showcase for jewels.

Merry: Yes! I say we have a revolt!

Pippin: Ho, ho, cheerio! You're right! That way, we'll still keep our promise of having him as King, but all kings get guillotined in the end, do they not?

Arwen: I frankly agree with the shorties.

Aragorn: Where in Middle Earth are we going to get a guillotine!

Pippin: We'll use your sword, Aragorn!

Aragorn: The blade that was broken yet remade? I fear that it will be the blade that was rebroken if I try cutting Faramir's big head off.

Pippin: (solemnly) It is for a noble cause.

Aragorn: Let us attempt it then! For Middle Earth!

Arwen: For freedom!

Legolas: For life without a Faramir!

Pippin, Frodo, and Merry: For our bellies!

Boromir: For Daddy! He wanted Faramir dead anyways.

A/N Ooh, this is interesting! THe next chapter will be called 'Don't Try This At Home, Kids!' Stay tuned!


	8. Faramir and the Guillitoine

A/N Hello guys...

I know, i haven't updated FOREVER. but anyways, it's back! I bet i already lost all my fans after all these months...ah well. Anyways, this is the chappie of Faramir against everyone else...

(next day)

Faramir: Eowyn, my shoulders are aching, gimme a massage, will ya?

Eowyn: Yes, master.

Faramir: That's the spot, oooh….hey, where's the hobbits, Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir.

Arwen: (innocently) I don't know.

Faramir: Darn them. For punishment, they must feed me bananas. In the meantime…Galadriel, start fanning me.

(suddenly, the missing ones pop out wearing Indian costumes. Frodo is holding a box of tea. Wrong time period, shorty)

Aragorn: BIND HIS FEET AND HANDS! BLINDFOLD HIM!

Faramir: Ahh!

Boromir: (tying Faramir's feet) Wooh! You did a terrible job cleaning his feet Aragorn!

(Later. They are in the living room. Aragorn's sword is hung by a pulley system made instructed by Frodo.)

Legolas: Off with his head! Off with his head! It'll make the rest of his body look better!

Arwen: Too bad we couldn't find any good jump rope. Luckily, we have floss string!

Boromir: Have any last words, Faramir?

Faramir: My brother, my only regret is that I have but one life to give to my Eowyn.

Eowyn: (screaming in background) He's too young! He's too young to go! We're not even married…how will I get his things? Faramir sweet, am I in your will?

Faramir: I haven't made one yet. I rather hoped that I'd compose it in my deathbed, snug and warm. It's not everyday an honest man gets guillotined.

Aragorn: Oh well. Time to die.

Faramir: Wait! You just made me waste my last words! My last words aren't my last words because Eowyn just made me talk! I don't want to go saying that I don't have a will!

Aragorn: Fine, you can make up your last sentence. Speak it now.

Faramir: I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really… (five hours later) really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really…

Aragorn cuts in: REALLY, REALLY STUPID! OKAY! LET'S GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD, PEOPLE. HEADS ARE ABOUT TO ROOOLLLLLL!!!

Frodo: (pulls rope. Nothing happens. The floss had snapped at the real top where no one can reach) Uh oh.

Faramir: really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really…

Frodo: The stupid thing broke!

Aragorn: WHAT??

Boromir: Look on the bright side, it won't be the rebroken sword!

Frodo: I guess we can hang him instead…

Arwen: Are you nuts? He's too heavy with all the food we fed him, he'll break the rope!

Frodo: Let me see you think of something better, pointy-ears!

Arwen: I think dismemberment is an awful romantic way to die…

Legolas: And get my beautiful blond hair splattered in blood? No, I think of stretching.

Aragorn: stretching?

Legolas: Yes, it was all the rage in the medieval ages. You strap the victim in this contraption and it'll stretch him to death.

Boromir: Another thing to build. We're awful architects, ya know. And like what Aragorn says, we can't lift him and pull him with all that grub in his stomach, even with these awesome guns of mines.

Galadriel: How about we press him to death? Crush him with heavy weights.

Aragorn: He's fat enough to BE the weight.

(Meanwhile…)

Faramir: (discreetly unties blindfold. Just because his wrists are bound, his fingers and arms can work. Does the worm and goes away)

Aragorn: …for the fifth time, we will NOT burn him at stake! That'll be a waste of matches. Let's just cut his head off by hand. Give me the—where's Faramir?

Legolas: (picks up bandana that blindfolded Faramir) He escaped!

Arwen: AFTER HIM!!!

(somewhere…)

Faramir: (presses ear to ground) Their footsteps have quickened…they've picked up my trail…

A/N What will happen to Faramir next??????


	9. The Trapped Pinata

A/N Srry for the long wait guys...i blame the disease we all know as "writer's block".

(meanwhile, in the living room and on the stairs. There are mini replicas of the Ring on the ground, leading up to a little net on the ground covered in leaves)

Arwen: Are you sure this is going to work? Faramir might get suspicious with the leaves on the ground.

Aragorn: Relax, honey. He'd just think it blew from outside. See? I'll open the window.

Arwen: …you watch too much of Suite Life Of Zack And Cody...

Aragorn: Uhhh no i don't! (blushes)

Boromir: (a little farther away) (GASPS) RINGS?? Must…have…(follows path while picking up rings)

Arwen: Psst! Someone's coming! Hide!

(Aragorn and Arwen duck behind sofa)

Arwen: See?? What did i tell you? Zack and Cody hid behind a couch too!

Aragorn; (grins) And you know all this HOW??

Arwen: Umm...

Boromir: one ring two ring red ring blue ring…(steps into trap)

(The trap suddenly activates. Boromir is hanging in a net)

Boromir: AHHHH!!

Aragorn: (leaps out) muahaha! You thought you could get away! Arwen, bring my sword!

Boromir: (mutters) sucks for looking like Faramir….No, Aragorn! It's me, Boromir!

Aragorn: A likely story!

Boromir: But…but…

Aragorn: Prepare to die!

Suddenly, Faramir jumps into the scene.

Faramir: Muahahaha! Fool! That is Boromir!

Arwen: Aragorn….i'm seeing double!

Aragorn: It isn't double! It's Boromir AND Faramir! They're working together!

Boromir: NO I'M NOT!

Faramir: For the king of Gondor you are pretty thick.

Aragorn: GET BACK HERE! (chases)

Arwen: (follows)

Boromir: …guys…? Hello? I'm kind of stuck…(swings around)

Then, the hobbits suddenly come and see the bag hanging.

Merry: I wonder what this is for….

Frodo: I know! You know how people hang their food so bears don't get it!

Pippin: There's bears here?

Merry: Of course not! It's a piñata!

Boromir: NOOO!


	10. Help the Author!

A/N I'm SO SORRY for the long wait! I blame the EVIL writer's block AND school. Not to mention that Fanfiction net won't accept my files. But of course, the writer's block still thrives in my already tampered brain. So…..

I ask ye to help fight this writer's block away! In order to do this, please, after reading, review and give me a simple prompt. This could be a simple sentence (no one's name can be allowed, except "YOU") or a random word like "Duck" or "bees". Think about Power of the Pen.

Omg! Speaking of Power of the Pen, I WON THIRD PLACE OUT OF 63 OTHER CONTESTANTS! Wooooot! And my old crush (D) won second, and my friend S won first! YES!

(ahem) anyways, read on!

(Many whallops later)

Merry: The piñata broke!

Frodo: Yes!

(Boromir falls out)

Pippin: Well that was a waste of bats. It's just a dummy of Boromir.

Frodo: Perhaps it's edible.

Boromir: Oh….no….

Frodo: (pulls the ten fake rings out of Boromir's hand) Look what the dummy gave us! Rings! Yes, now that's a treat!

Pippin: Indeed!

Merry: You're right!

Frodo: Let's go to Boromir and give him one!

(hobbits go away)

Boromir: Oh….dear….why…?

(Meanwhile, Arwen and Aragorn are in the dining room)

Arwen: (holding rope) Perhaps we should just give up?

Aragorn: Never! We must get him!

(Suddenly, loud thumping sounds come from the kitchen. Aragorn and Arwen freeze up)

Arwen: Hide!

(dashes for behind the table. Suddenly, the THING comes up. It's Faramir doing the worm)

Faramir: Coast clear!

Aragorn: UNTIL NOW!

Arwen: (brandishes rope)

Faramir: NOOOOO! (is tied up) Have mercy!

(suddenly the hobbits and the elves appear)

Legolas: good work, Aragorn. Now, where's my bow and arrow….

Faramir: Have mercy!

Aragorn: Then plead guilty and apologize!

Faramir: For what? I sometimes come to visit YOU when you're in the castle of Gondor and I see you eating your butt off and being fanned and massaged and watching belly—

Aragorn: End of story!

Arwen: What?! Did I hear correctly? YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NAKED WOMEN DANCE???

Aragorn: Uh, uh, don't change the subject! You right now are guilty!

Faramir: Never!

Galadriel: Fine! Legolas, bring in the FRENCH BREAD!

(Legolas comes with a leering hard French bread in his hands, ready to strike)

Faramir: NOOOOO! Anything but that! I'll talk!

Legolas: (jabs bread at Faramir's throat) Then apologize!

Faramir: (sobs) Fine….I'm…..sorry…..

Aragorn: Aww, he apologized! We'll forgive you 'cause you did!

Faramir: (thinking) _It was_ that_ easy??!! _

Pippin: Well, then, let's have a forgiving pool party! C'mon everyone!

Everyone: YEAH! (rushes out)

(meanwhile)

Boromir: Wait…for…me…(crawls down stairs) Ugh….(crawls on couch) You know what, I'll just stay here….

A/N Don't forget, simple word or prompt and review please!


	11. Where's Our Money!

A/N Thanks to Nelarun for the idea! Wouldn't have updated today if it weren't for you, Nelarun!

(Later)

Aragorn: (calculating on some calculator) Sonuva…

Arwen: What is it?

Boromir: (in a sling and has crutches) Yeah, what?

Aragorn: Well, everyone, I have GREAT news. We're BROKE!

(silence)

Frodo: Bahaha! Nice joke, Aragorn, but we're not going to fall for it…

Merry: (laughing weakly) Yeah, Aragorn, we're not dumb.

Aragorn: Speak for yourself, dumbhead. Rangers do not lie!

Legolas: Wait, wait, so we're REALLY broke?

Aragorn: (nods)

Legolas: Really?

Aragorn: (nods vigorously)

Legolas: REALLY?!

Aragorn: For the last time, Legolas, yes! Dang, for an elf you're pretty thick.

Legolas: Not true! Unbelieving and thick are completely different!

Galadriel: Oh, come on, we can't keep on fighting like this! Hmm, I'm hungry, let's see if we have any lembas left….(Leaves and then returns) WE HAVE COMPLETELY NO MORE FOOD!

Eowyn: WHAT?!

Hobbits: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (falls to knees)

Faramir: No…food…? Oh, Aragorn, kill me now!

Aragorn: Gladly. (raises sword)

Faramir: What what?? I was kidding, man!

Aragorn: Darnit.

Galadriel: (dramatically) We only have one portion of food left. (pauses)

Frodo: What is it? WHAT IS IT?!

Galadriel: (slowly) The Applebee's pudding.

(COMPLETE SILENCE)

Legolas: I'll pass.

Aragorn: Me too.

Boromir: And me.

Faramir: Wait! No food or money, that mean's we have to…(suddenly grows ghastly pale and his whole body is shaking) _WORK._

Legolas: (GASPS) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (falls to the ground, weeping uncontrollably)

Arwen: (shaking and sits down) Work? How can we work? Isn't there another way?

Boromir: (shakes head sadly)

Aragorn: On the plus side, with our dashing looks, muscles, and our fame, I'm sure we'll get a job easily.

Pippin: That doesn't mean we're good at a job.

Merry: But we have to! Christmas is coming soon!

Faramir: OHMYGAWD I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS! NOOOOO!

Aragorn: (bravely) Then we must work, FOR CHRISTMAS!

Everyone: FOR CHRISTMAS!

(next day)

Boromir: (he must stay home cuz he is hurt) Well, at least we didn't have to pay for the Christmas tree, it did come from Fangorn forest.

Pippin: Treebeard won't be too pleased.

Merry: (sighs and glances at bare tree) We don't even have popcorn to string.

Boromir: And I'm stuck here with three hobbits to watch at home.

Everyone: (sighs)

Frodo: Do you think that maybe if we beg on the streets people will give us money?

Boromir: People would give us screaming fangirls who will bet for autographs, that's for sure. (thinks) I have an idea!

(later that day, it's evening. Everyone is back at home and drinking donated eggnog and cocoa, which they found in their cupboards. They even had to eat the Applebees' pudding for dinner)

Aragorn: (sipping eggnog) Well, I did find a job…advertisement.

Legolas: For what?

Aragorn: I'm advertising for men's underwear.

Legolas: O….kay… Well I only found a job at the mines, and I don't want to get dirty.

Arwen: Wimp.

Legolas: You didn't even find a job!

Faramir: I found a job! At Applebees!

Aragorn: At least you like your job! I have to stand naked in front of millions of people in boxers!

Eowyn: Aren't advertisements usually on posters?

Aragorn: (mutters) not with this store.

Galadriel: At least it isn't Victoria's Secret.

Aragorn: (shivers)

Faramir: And I never said I liked my job! I have to wash the bathrooms! (shivers) It's disgusting! I had to wash with Legolas's strawberry scented liquid soap five times to get the scent of chlorine out!

Legolas: You…used…my…strawberry…soap??!!

Faramir: For a good cause!

Boromir: (suddenly enters) Guess what guys? After some good investments, I have earned ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!

Aragorn: Huh??!!

Boromir: I sold some of our stuff on eBay, and dang, the bids went SOARING! Like, I found a used tissue from Aragorn, and that sold for 100 thousand! And Legolas's Strawberry shampoo jumped to 1 million!

Legolas: YOU SOLD MY SHAMPOO??? THAT WAS A RARE KIND OF SHAMPOO AND THAT WAS A ONE OF A KIND!!!!!! RARRRRRRR!

Boromir: (ignoring Legolas)…and I also sold that useless trampoline we had in our living room for AGES and never used! That went to a good 200 thousand, and then strands of Galadriel's hair from her comb made a nice 100 thousand….and 600 thousand from my shirt!

Aragorn: (angrily) Why didn't you tell us this before???!!!

Boromir: Get a cell phone.

Aragorn: (mutters) Yeah I'll just put that on my Christmas list now…

A/N Happy Holidays everyone!


	12. Evil Mouse and New Years

(Morning)

Aragorn: (yawns) Yes, it is the last day of 2006…

Legolas: Dang, we've been on vacation for quite a bit.

Arwen: That's an understatement.

Eowyn Dang! It's almost afternoon!

Faramir: Really? We've been sleeping that long?

Boromir: Long? I still need to sleep! My goal is always 2 in the afternoon.

Galadriel: Geez, no wonder you died, you're a lazy sloth.

Boromir: (does not answer, is sound asleep)

(suddenly, the digital clock flashes from 11: 59 AM to 12:00 PM)

Frodo: (Pops in with a party hat and balloons) HAPPY NEW YEAR! GOODBYE 2006, HELLO 2007!

Boromir: AUGH! You woke me up! Come 'ere you—

Legolas: New years isn't for another 12 hours from now!

Frodo: I know! But it is in China! See? (shows new watch showing all times from around the world)

Aragorn: (looks at Eowyn) This is all your fault.

Eowyn: My fault?! How so?

Aragorn: You were the one who got him that watch for Christmas.

Eowyn: He was giving me the puppy eyes! Frodo, show him the puppy eyes!

Frodo: (pouts and widens eyes)

Aragorn: O…Okay.

Pippin: Next stop…Japan.

Faramir: (moans)

Galadriel: Did you hear that?

Aragorn: What?

Galadriel: Some kind of nibbling sound…

Arwen: AHHHHHH! SOMEONE STOLE MY EVENSTAR!

Eowyn: Huh?

Merry: There! I see it! It's a…MOUSE!

Everyone: AAAHHHHH!

(a cute furry mouse scurries around with Arwen's evenstar)

Aragorn: Get HIM! (leaps and attempts body slam)

Frodo: Augh! (Aragorn lands on him)

Aragorn: Whoops, my bad.

Legolas: You killed him!

Aragorn: He should've died a long time ago. But what's more important is Arwen's life and Evenstar!

Merry: Frodo! Hang in there!

Frodo: (being smushed by a rather overweight ranger) Eh…

Merry: (sobbing) Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields... and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?

**Frodo: **No, Merry. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark. There's... There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him... with my waking eyes.

**Merry: **Then let us be rid of it... once and for all. Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you! (Picks him up and moans) Urg…maybe not.

Frodo: I feel so appreciated…

Arwen: (sobbing) I have to die on the day of New Years! What if the mouse chews and breaks it? I'm DOOOOMED!

Eowyn: Stay strong, Arwen!

Legolas: (gravely) The last journey…of Arwen Undomiel.

Aragorn: Stop being an Elrond wannabe and help me get back the necklace, will ya?

Boromir: But…I don't wanna kill him! Don't you realize that in the first movie I barely do or kill anything but croon the ring?

Aragorn: I'm not asking YOU, you wimp.

Boromir: (gasps) I…I'm not a wimp…(whimpers)

Faramir: No wonder you died, you're a bloody nancy boy.

Aragorn: Less talkie more killing! We must get and kill the mouse! Here, take some swords! (suddenly, an array of swords appear before them)

Pippin: Er, why do we have swords with us?

Aragorn: C'mon!

(everyone takes a sword and lines up in a row in front of the mousehole)

Aragorn: (in front) Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

Legolas: Err, for one thing, Galadriel, Arwen, and I are not your brothers nor sons of Gondor or Rohan.

Aragorn: Galadriel. Take your elves down the left flank. Boromir, follow the King's banner down the center. Merry, take your company right, after you pass the wall. Forth, and fear no darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders of Aragorn! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... ere the sun rises!

**Aragorn: **Ride now!... Ride now!... Ride! Ride to ruin and the world's ending!  
_He stops and faces the mousehole_

**Aragorn: **Death!

**Hobbits: **_echoing_ Err…death!

**Aragorn: **Death!

**Hobbits**: _echoing_ Death! Yeah, death!

**Aragorn: DEATH!**

**Eowyn: **This is just ridiculous.

Aragorn: Sorry, my kingly self was taking control.

Eowyn: …right…

Aragorn: (holds sword) All right…three…two…one! (about to strike mouse who doesn't know what's going on)

Frodo: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(The mouse squeaks and runs back into the mousehole)

Aragorn: FOOL OF A BAGGINS! WHY THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!

Frodo: You counted down, and it is new year for Japan.

Aragorn: Why you—

Arwen: Don't kill the poor hobbit!

Aragorn: Fine, fine. (holds a sledge hammer) Here's ARAGORN! (swings hammer and accidentally lets go)

Boromir: OW!

Aragorn: My bad.

Boromir: (rubbing weak spot) Yes, your bad…

Legolas: Hey! When the mouse got scared away, it dropped the Evenstar!

Arwen: I'm saved!

Boromir: (wincing) Yeah…lucky you…

(Some hours later)

Eowyn: (On phone) All right, I'll miss you. Luv ya.

Faramir enters: WHO WAS THAT?

Eowyn: Huh?

FARAMIR: WHO DID YOU SAY YOU LOVE HIM??!

Eowyn: Faramir, I can explain!

Faramir: ROAR!!!!!!!

Boromir: Dude, Faramir, she was talking to her brother Eomer.

Faramir: Oh…

(It is about 11: 58. Pippin and Merry are on top of a table with bottles of beer in the hands)

Pippin and Merry: (singing) You can search far and wide. You can drink the whole town dry. But you'll never find a beer so brown as the one we drink in our hometown. You can drink your fancy ales. You can drink them by the flagon. But the only brew for the brave and tru-u-u-ue comes from the Green Dragon! (drinks)

Galadriel: Again!

(also, Frodo is wearing a diaper while Faramir wears a gray wig and a robe)

Faramir: I finally understand what Gandalf goes through.

Frodo: C'mon! It's time for the Baby and Old Man fight! CHARRRGE!

(Frodo immediately tackles down Faramir)

Legolas: Shush, all of you! The ball is dropping!

(everyone crowds around the tv, the silver ball-thingie is dropping)

Everyone: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Eowyn: yes! It's 2007!

Hobbits: Hip Hip Hurray!

Eowyn: And when I was in the phone with Eomer, he says that Peter Jackson is mad that we're on such a long vacation and demand us back soon!

Hobbits: Hip Hip—WHAT?!

Aragorn: And I was just getting comfy!

Arwen: Oh…we can disobey him THIS time…

A/N I never understood why there was a baby and an old man fighting on new years…anyways, the story is NOT OVER! I repeat, it is NOT OVER! Tune in soon! Oh, and you can tell I have been taking exerts out of LoTR 3 to put in this chapter. Lol. I watched it 2 times this week.


	13. Evil Lair of Lady Charity

Aragorn: I can't believe Peter…

Arwen: How…how could he??!!

Boromir: (bravely) It doesn't matter, we are just getting relaxed!

Legolas: (muttering) Having to experience a vacation with you isn't very relaxing.

Boromir: Shush! I say we defy him!

Everyone: Yeah!

Peter Jackson: I don't think so.

Everyone: AHHH! HE DOES EXIST!

Peter Jackson: Huh? Of course I exist, dimwits!

Frodo: Santa Claus! You DID come after all!

Peter Jackson: WHAT?? (does not notice he is wearing a red and white T-shirt)

Merry: You came too late, you know!

Pippin: Yeah, where was that iPod nano I asked for Christmas?

Peter Jackson: You darn idiots, I'm Peter! Your director!

Everyone: Ohhhhhh…

Galadriel: In that case, you can go away.

Peter Jackson: Hey!

Eowyn: So what are you here for?

PJ: Oh, don't give me the clueless act, you know exactly why I'm here…

Arwen: (moans) Please, Mr. Jackson? I don't WANNA go back…

PJ: You NEED to! I still need to complete the movie! Yeah, Liv Tyler is an awesome actress, fit for the part, and is practically a twin of you, but it'll pay so much more if the REAL Arwen was in it!

Arwen: (grumbles)

PJ: So I expect all of you back at the studio in two weeks!

Boromir: B-But you don't need me! I'm DEAD, remember?

PJ: We still need you for the occasional flashbacks.

Boromir: (moans)

Aragorn: (roughly) And if we DON't??!

PJ: Then I'll have to give you a BATH!

Aragorn: (gasps) Not…a real one, right??

PJ: Oh yes, a real one.

Aragorn: (sobs)

(PJ leaves)

Legolas: This is madness!

Frodo: I agree! I am NOT going back!

Aragorn: (still in shock) But…a bath…

Eowyn: Oh please, you need one.

Faramir: We do NOT want to go, but we're forced to! Who did this to us?

Galadriel: Peter Jackson, of course!

Pippin: What if it's someone else?

Galadriel: C'mon, the only time when someone controls us besides our boss is when we're in the strange land of Fanfiction.

(Silence)

Galadriel: Oh crud we are in that land.

Arwen: I KNEW something was going to be wrong when we made that wrong turn to the right when we were supposed to go LEFT, NANA!

Galadriel: You can't blame me! You said 'right'!

Arwen: I meant a completely different word!

Aragorn: SILENCE!!!!!

(silent)

Aragorn: I know who is causing such misery and wrath upon us, and we are going to put things right. WHO'S IN?!

Everyone: ME!

Aragorn: (bravely) Then let us go to the lair…of Lady Charity.

(few hours later)

Lady Charity: (typing on laptop) Muahaha, I just love raining misery upon my victims—err, characters!

(suddenly, the door slams open. A gold light shines and unknown figures appear)

Lady Charity: Is it the darn pizza man? It's over 30 minutes, man!

Legolas: Silence, mortal! How dare you compare us to a pizza man?!

Lady Charity: Dang, sorry. Pizza WOMAN. Now can I have my pepperoni?

Legolas: WHAT??!

Aragorn: Ignore him. Now, you may wonder why we are here…

Lady Charity: (smiles evilly) But I already know.

Aragorn: Huh?

Lady Charity: Now, y'all better be nice to me, because if you don't, I'll cause wrath upon you! I am your MASTER!

Pippin: Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?

Lady Charity: (GRINS MANIACALLY)

(Pippin suddenly disappears)

Merry: PIPPIN! Where'd you take him, you old hag?!

(Suddenly, Merry screams and his morphed into a steaming pepperoni pizza. Lady Charity cackles evilly and takes a big bite)

Lady Charity: That sure hit the spot.

Frodo: Merry! Pippin!

Lady Charity: You have no power, Middle-Earthlings!

Aragorn: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Legolas: Roger that!

Lady Charity: Not so fast! You can't run OR hide!

(Aragorn trips and falls through a funneling blue portal. Legolas squeals and runs through a wall, never to be seen)

Lady Charity: WHO'S NEXT??

A/N I don't THINK everyone's dead….or ARE THEY?? Har har har. Stay tuned for the next chappie to the read the fate of our beloved heroes!


	14. A Solution!

A/N This is a long chapter, about 8 pages long on Microsoft Word. Oh yes, Nelarun, you're in here (grins)

Arwen: W-Who are you?

Lady Charity: Elf, I'm afraid you're thicker than a goldfish. I'm the controller of all your souls, har har har!

Eowyn: Where is Pippin, Merry, Legolas, and Aragorn??! Why'd you kill them?

Lady Charity: How do you know they're dead? And besides, I have a small bedroom, I need some more space.

Galadriel: What are you doing right now?

Lady Charity: Why, I'm writing my fanfiction, of course!

Boromir: Ooh! Can I see?

Lady Charity: Sure!

Boromir: (Reads)

_Arwen: W-Who are you?_

_Lady Charity: Elf, I'm afraid you're thicker than a goldfish. I'm the controller of all your souls, har har har! _

_Eowyn: Where is Pippin, Merry, Legolas, and Aragorn??! Why'd you kill them?_

_Lady Charity: How do you know they're dead? And besides, I have a small bedroom, I need some more space. _

_Galadriel: What are you doing right now?_

_Lady Charity: Why, I'm writing my fanfiction, of course!_

_Boromir: Ooh! Can I see?_

_Lady Charity: Sure!_

_Boromir: (reads and suddenly whisked away by a UFO)_

Boromir: Hmm, strangely it sounds so familiar. But I don't know about that little part at the end…Ahh! (is suddenly whisked away by a UFO)

Faramir: Boromir!

Lady Charity: WHO WANTS TO READ NEXT??!!

Galadriel: I-I think I'll pass.

Lady Charity: YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MY LOVELY WRITING??!! DO YOU KNOW HOW INSULTING THAT IS??

Galadriel: But…but…AIEEEE! (Suddenly, is swallowed by a whirlwind)

Arwen: Nana!

Lady Charity: Do you really think you can surpass the magnificent power of ME??!!

Everyone left: No master!

Lady Charity: Then…I will give you a challenge.

(suddenly, the ground rumbles and shakes, and the room morphs into a large, menacing, dark maze. Lady Charity is nowhere to be seen, but her voice and an outline of her body lingers)

Lady Charity: Pass this maze, along with its many monsters, traps, and abbeys, and I will let you free. But if you get eaten, hurt, or whisked away, insurance will not cover for you. Farewell, and bad luck. (disappears)

Eowyn: WAIT!

Frodo: She's gone!

Arwen: There's only four of us now! Eowyn, Frodo, Faramir, and me!

Eowyn: Frodo and Faramir?? We're DOOMED!

(meanwhile, Lady Charity is resting on a silk hammock while Aragorn is massaging her feet, Legolas is feeding her assorted fruits, Merry and Pippin are belly dancing, and Boromir and Galadriel are fanning her in a tropical island)

Lady Charity: Ahh, this is the life.

Aragorn: I'm afraid that this is somewhat of a déjà vu…I have seen and massaged too many feet in my lifetime, I think.

Pippin: At least the song's different to dance to.

Merry: Yeah…Fergielicious.

Lady Charity: ARE YOU COMPLAINING??!!

Hobbits: (squeaks) no!

Lady Charity: Good…Legolas! Blackberries!

(A large bowl of plump, juicy blackberries appear next to Legolas. He sighs and pops them in to her mouth)

Merry: (whispering to Pippin while shaking his tummy) is there any way to get out of this? Instead of a fake belly ring, she gave us real ones!

Pippin: (moans) It still hurts…

Merry: And those strawberries, with cream…(stares at a porcelain bowl of fresh strawberries covered in whipped cream)

Pippin: (drools)

Lady Charity: NO DROOLING! That is, unless you are mesmerized by my good looks…

Merry: (who has a bite-size chunk of hair missing) Err…

Lady Charity: HOW DARE YOU! THEN I HAVE ONLY ONE CHOICE, TO PUT YOU INTO MY MAZE OF DOOM…ALONE!

Merry: NOOOOO! (hazes away)

Pippin: Merrrryyy!

Galadriel: Err, just a small, innocent question. What's worse, the maze or serving you?

Lady Charity: YOU THINK I AM A NUISANCE??!! THEN AWAY WITH THEE! INSURANCE SHALL NEVER COVER THE LIKES OF YOUUUUU!

Galadriel: Nooooo! (disappears)

Everyone else: (gulps)

(meanwhile…)

Eowyn: Faramir, are we lost?

Faramir: Ehh? No, no, of course not!

Eowyn: We're lost, aren't we?

Faramir: Hey, look! A little pathway!

Eowyn: We're lost.

Arwen: It's so dark…and damp…eek!

(A swishing blade pendulum suddenly swings, almost slicing Arwen)

Frodo: That was close!

Faramir: Watch out, Frodo! You're about to step on a razor trap!

Frodo: Too late!! Owww! (foot is bleeding)

Arwen: Fool of a Baggins! What do we do now?

Eowyn: We can just leave him here…

Frodo: No! Wait! I destroyed the ring and saved all of your miserable lives, and this is how you pay me back??

Faramir: If you put it that way, yeah.

Frodo: No! (jumps on Farmair's back)

Faramir: fine, fine.

(meanwhile)

(The scene has changed. Instead of the tropical island the captives had endured, it was a majestic and diamond castle. The floor was made of a translucent periwinkle marble and the walls and dome-shaped ceiling was a pure diamond with crystal filigree designs. Lady Charity is resting on a beautiful diamond throne with a pillow made of magically formed water cushion that won't make anyone wet. The Lord of the Rings captives are in frilly maid dresses and aprons.)

Lady Charity: Hurry up, my slaves! My dear friend will be entering at any moment!

Galadriel: It would be a whole lot more comfortable if we didn't have to wear these dresses.

Aragorn: (moaning) with lace.

Legolas: I've got an itch in a bad place…

Boromir: Well, she DID make us wear Victoria's Secret lacey underwear.

Aragorn: (whimpering) It's only made of lace…

Lady Charity: Don't complain! Be happy I gave you something to wear in the first place!

Pippin: It'll be a whole lot less itchy.

(The pure silver doors swings open, with golden light pouring out, and a majestic, tall silhouette stands proudly in the middle)

Pippin: Is it…is it our savior?

Legolas: Save us O great one!

Nelarun: What are you talking about?

Legolas: My…my bad.

Lady Charity: Hello, Nelarun! Long time no see!

Nelarun: Well, actually, I just visited you three days ago…

Lady Charity: HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT ME?? DO YOU WISH TO BE ETERNALLY PUNISHED?? (hold fingers threateningly over laptop keyboard)

Nelarun: Er, er, no!

Lady Charity: Much better.

Nelarun: Er, just wondering. Why are your servants, the Lord of the Rings characters, in frilly dresses?

Lady Charity: They are my servants. Would you rather them naked?

Nelarun: (grins)

Lady Charity: Nela! I'm ashamed! I thought you were a virgin!

Nelarun: I AM!

Lady Charity: Good. Now, you guys (points to servants) You can be banished to my evil maze of doom. If I need anything, I'll just summon you back.

LoTR: But…but…

(is whisked away)

Nelarun: You know, Charity, you're being a very cruel author.

Lady Charity: We do what we do best!

(meanwhile)

Frodo: Look! There's everyone else! MERRY! LEGOLAS! ARAGORN! BOROMIR! Dang, how many of you are there?

(everyone reunites)

Legolas: You wouldn't believe it! We had to pass about five swinging pendulums, two poison arrow shooters, three rolling boulders, and two portals that led to the evil land of Mary-Sues!

Faramir: (gasps) How could you endure the last one?

Aragorn: Luckily, we shoved an unexpected fanfiction reader in there just to test it out. They screamed bloody murder and ran the heck out of there.

Arwen: Dang, that was close!

Merry: How do we get ourselves out of this mess? We're powerless!

(thinks)

Aragorn: I got it! Apparently, whenever something happens, she already types it down! But if we erase the stuff that we don't like, then it would never happen, Peter Jackson won't make us go back home, so we don't get made at Lady Charity and end up here!

Legolas: So it's pretty much our fault we're here?

Eowyn: In a way.

Boromir: But how do we get the laptop?

Aragorn: (grins) Hurry, does anyone have a laptop or a piece of paper and a pencil?

Galadriel: I have a layered robe.

Legolas: And I have some blueberry juice.

Aragorn; Excellent!

(Aragorn takes the blueberries and a bit of Galadriel's cloth. He scribbled onto the cloth, "Aragorn suddenly had a membership of and a laptop. Suddenly, a laptop appears)

Legolas: WHOAH, HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

Aragorn: I wrote a fanfiction. Now….

(after a few minutes, he typed himself into the castle of Lady Charity, invisible. He looked around and immediately typed that he had the power to stop time. Suddenly, everything froze around him as he snatched Lady Charity's laptop off her lap and erased everything after New Years. A whirlwind suddenly appeared before his eyes and black…)

(Then, a loud voice burst beside him)

Everyone: HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

Aragorn: Woo! I did it!

Legolas: Did what?

Aragorn: Y-You don't remember? We went to the lair of Lady Charity, and then cursed! Then I saved us by writing a fanfiction that saved us all!

Arwen: Aragorn, sweetie, are you sure you didn't dream it?

Faramir: yeah, you were asleep for a while.

Aragorn: (finds himself sprawled on the couch) Wha…maybe…maybe I did…

(That was before he noticed that the cloth with blueberry writing was proof on what happened…and it was in his shirt pocket…)

A/N: Haha, well, actually Aragorn DIDN'T dream this, but he forgot to put in his fanfiction to make everyone remember their little epic adventure with me. Next chapter would most likely be updated on January 13, Orlando Bloom's birthday…


	15. Happy Bday Legolas!

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ORLANDO BLOOM!

Aragorn: (yawns) It's January 13…

(moment later)

Aragorn: OMG! It's January 13! Legolas's birthday!

(just to let you know, they used to all share a room, but now they separate. Aragorn is buddied with Legolas. Aragorn quickly tip-toes away to wake up everyone else. Also, he locked the door)

Aragorn: OKAY, WAKE UP EVERYONE!

Everyone: (yawns) What now…

Eowyn: Not another hiking ranger training trip, right?

Aragorn: No! It's Legolas's birthday!

Boromir: Oh, blimey, I forgot!

Arwen and Galadriel: We didn't

Frodo: C'mon, you're old Elves! We don't even know when you're all born.

Galadriel: OLD??

Arwen: Excuse me??

Aragorn: Shut up, all of you! We need to prepare him a good party! Now, this is what I propose…

Arwen and Eowyn, you work on the decorations!

Faramir, hobbits, Galadriel, you work on the food and feast!

Boromir and I will work on the cake!

And all of you are responsible for getting a present!

Everyone: Yes sir! (moves to leave)

Aragorn: Wait! You aren't going out there till you put on some NORMAL CLOTHES! That includes you too, Boromir. Do you ever sleep with a shirt on?

Boromir: But…

Aragorn: GO!

(later)

Legolas: (yawn) It is the dawn of another birth year…I feel so messy! I should wash my hair—

(pause)

Legolas: (grumbling) Oh yeah, I forgot. BOROMIR sold my shampoo…Well, all the more reason to sleep in! (ZzZzZ)

(Aragorn and Boromir then enter the one and only Sam's Club to get a beautiful cake. After disguising in order to avoid the fan girls who knew about Legolas's birthday, they headed to the cake section)

Boromir: Um, excuse me sir?

Baker: What?

Boromir: O-Oh I'm sorry! Excuse me, ma'am?

Baker: WHAT?

Aragorn: Ignore my companion. We're here to buy a cake.

Baker: What kinda cake?

Aragorn: Strawberry.

Baker: How big'a cake?

Aragorn: You're biggest! We have a…party with about…(counts with fingers) ten people, and most of them would want to eat more than one piece (glares at Boromir).

Boromir: Eheheh…

Baker: Here you go. Fifteen dollars.

Aragorn: FIFTEEN DOLLARS? JUST FOR ONE BLOODY CAKE?

Baker: Got a problem with that?

Aragorn: Oh yes I do, in fact, I'm going to kick your—

Boromir: Whoops! (covers Aragorn's mouth) Here you go, fifteen. Thank you!

(After they leave)

Aragorn: Why'd you stop me? I could've beaten the 'free of charge' right out of him!

Boromir: Her.

Aragorn: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

(with Eowyn and Arwen at home, who already bought all their decorations)

Eowyn: I know Legolas likes strawberries and archery and all…but isn't this too much?

(Eowyn gestures to the bulbous strawberry-shaped balloons, strawberry being shot by arrows patterned all over the streamers, a banner that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEGOLAS with letters made of arrows and strawberries, and bow-and-arrow cups and plates)

Arwen: You know how obsessive he can be.

Eowyn: I know…but too much pink in this room…

Arwen: Yeah well, time for presents!

(with Faramir, the hobbits, and Galadriel)

Galadriel: THREE ROASTED TURKIES?? FIVE PIZZAS?? TWO VEGGIE AND FRUIT TRAYS?? THREE CARTONS OF ICE CREAM?? TWO BOXES OF ROOT BEER AND COKE?? NO WONDER WE WERE BROKE BEFORE!!

Frodo: Ah, c'mon, Galadriel. It's a big occasion.

Galadriel: Yeah, but you know we elves want to keep our body structure!

Faramir: YOU don't have to eat it all…but Boromir, the halflings, and I are going to shovel our way through after all of you have had your share!

Galadriel: You sad, sick mortals…

(A few hours later)

Legolas: I…I can't take it! It's noon and I haven't even taken my daily shower, brushed my teeth, or buffed my nails! I'm dying…

(Suddenly, the door clicks. Legolas looks up to see the door creaking open slowly)

Legolas: Yes! After my bathroom, I can die happy

(A few more hours)

Pippin: How long does it take a darn elf to wash??

Merry: We may never know. At this rate, we'll starve to death before he finishes.

Aragorn: Boromir, are you done putting in the candles?

Boromir: No, duh! You know how OLD this guy's turning?

Aragorn: (growling) Just…put…one…candle…in…Boromir…

Boromir: Okay, okay!

(Finally, footsteps step out of the bathroom. Finally, Legolas clambers down the stairs)

Everyone: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEGOLAS!

Legolas: Wow! I didn't expect this! (gasps) That means I need my strawberry deoderant!

Faramir: Oh no you don't.

Frodo: Join the fun, Legolas!

Legolas: I want to open my presents!

Eowyn: Open Arwen and mine!

Legolas: (opens present wrapped in strawberry-patterned wrapping paper) Wow! Three gift cards to Bath and Body Works, thanks! Whoah…and two for Archery R Us! Thanks guys!

Arwen: Ohh, our pleasure.

Eowyn: (whispers to Arwen) It wasn't our money anyways

Aragorn: (thinking to self) _I wonder where some of my money went…oh well!_

Hobbits: Now our turn! Now our turn!

Legolas: (opens) Cool! The chess board with Lord of the Rings characters! Sweet! Hey, look at this! I'm the KING!

Galadriel: I'm next!

Faramir: That's mine, too!

Legolas: (opens) Sweet! The box set of the Lord of the Rings DVDs! Along with the Extended Version! Where'd you get it?

Galadriel: Barnes & Nobles

Boromir and Aragorn: And last but CERTAINLY not least…OURS!

Legolas: (opens) Oh great strawberry…

Arwen: Wow…

Eowyn: Where'd you guys get it…

(Nestled deep in its cozy tissue paper, a very large bottle of Legolas's favorite strawberry shampoo 2nd Generation shows)

Legolas: THANK YOU!!! (tackles Boromir and Aragorn)

Aragorn: Ahh!

Boromir: Hehe, that's replacement for the one I sold, mate. But that was only the 1st generation shampoo!

Arwen: Great! Now let's get to the archery games, Hide the Strawberry, contests, and more!

Legolas: When do we eat? I'm afraid of getting too hungry.

Galadriel: (mutters) Trust me, after this party, you'll never want to eat again.

A/N Happy Birthday, Orlando. Hope you get everything you want.


	16. When Mary Sues Come Knocking

A/N I had a bit of a writer's block. Just a minor one. I was debating whether I should come back to the fic again, but one trip with me is more than enough for them (grins evilly)

Boromir: (on couch) Finally, a nice, long, lazy, normal day—

(The doorbell rings)

Boromir: Or not. ARAGORN! GO GET IT!

Aragorn: (on the other couch) Boromir…I'm right next to you.

Boromir: Whatever. Go get it.

(Aragorn grumbles and answers the door. Standing outside is a majestic, beautiful, tall, graceful elf with silvery hair down her back and a cleaming jewel on her necklace. A strong light gleams behind her as her pale fingers caress Aragorn's cheek.

In other words: Uh Oh)

Aragorn: Err…not to be rude, but who are you?

UFO (unidentified female object): I'm Hydriana, princess of Mirkwood, daughter of Thraunduil.

Legolas: Funny. I don't remember having any sisters.

Hydriana: (whips her head to Legolas's direction. Legolas cowers) L-Legolas! My brother! (rushes to him, her floating dress wraps around him) It has been too long!

Legolas: What the—

Arwen: I don't remember you having any siblings, Legolas.

Legolas: Me neither!

Hydriana: Don't you remember me? I was your sister long ago, but then in order to protect you from evil orcs, I sacrificed myself into letting them kidnap me! And I have returned, dear brother!

Everyone: …

((((MEANWHILE))))

Lady Charity: (whistles while fetching a Coke from the fridge) I think I'll type my fanfiction now!

(She opens the door to her bedroom and hurries to the laptop. Turning on Microsoft Word and pushing her Fanfiction file, she scrolled down to where she stopped)

Lady Charity: What the…I don't remember this part! And this part! And this….

(silence)

Lady Charity: Who the heck put a Mary-Sue named Hydriana in my fanfiction??!!

((((BACK TO THE LOTR GROUP))))

Hydriana: Dear brother, it has been too, too, too long!

Legolas: Yeah I know, considering how you said it fifty-seven stinking times this hour!

Hydriana: (flipping silvery hair) But of course, I must tell you how I escaped! I finally mustered my strength (after all, I was poisoned), and sliced all the orcs in my path! But of course, I was stabbed by a Morgul blade—

Frodo: Orcs don't carry Morgul Blades. Nazguls do. I should know.

Hydriana: Shut up, you idiotic halfling!! Anyways, you can see my stab right on the shoulder—

Merry: That isn't a Morgul scar, that's just a paper cut.

Hydriana: ANYWAYS, I was desperately injured, more injured than that halfling over there that got saved by an elf, which I wasn't so lucky—

Legolas: Err, stranger, you ARE an elf…

Hydriana: Brother! I cannot tell you of my epic adventures if everyone keeps interrupting me!

Boromir: Looks like we should all start talking!

Faramir: Agreed.

Hydriana: YOU'RE RUINING MY PROCESS!

(silence)

Pippin: Huh?

Eowyn: What do you mean?

Hydriana: You all are so stupid! Fools! Dirt! Can't you see….I'm a….

(Hydriana grabs her hair and whips her whole skin off. What was left was a writhing, Medusa-like female with claws for feet and slobber drooling from her mouth)

Hydriana: …a MARY-SUE!!!!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

To Be Continued...

Har Har Har!


	17. Defying Time!

Galadriel: What…what'll we do?

(Hydriana puts back on her fake beauty skin. She grins wickedly)

Hydriana: Now, I shall retire to my room, where I shall think up wicked plans for my scheme. Farewell. (leaves)

Faramir: Well that was sudden.

Frodo: She's making up fake stuff! Orcs so do NOT carry Morgul blades!

Boromir: Well, that's what all the creators of Mary-Sues do.

Legolas: I say we kill her!

Arwen: But she's your so-called sister.

Legolas: So? Everyone wants to kill their siblings once in their life, and my time is now.

Aragorn: But she's a Mary-Sue! We can't hurt her, only flamers and the creator of her can!

Boromir: Then we have only one thing to do…

Everyone: What is it, WHAT IS IT??

Boromir: We have to defy her Mary-Sueness power. You've read Fanfiction with Mary Sues, right?

Everyone: Ah-bviously.

Boromir: Good. You know what to do. (grins)

(((((LATER)))))

Galadriel: With my calculations…something concerning the Mary-Sue should happen…now.

(Suddenly, the Witch-King pops into the living room. It was very similar to the one Eowyn and Merry killed in the war. Hydriana bursts in)

Hydriana: No! I shall kill it! Die you foul beast!

Everyone: I think we'll just watch.

Hydriana: Hyah! Take that! Take—

(She slices the Witch-King's leg, which does no use, obviously. The WK pummels his chain-ball at her. Hydriana gasps in pain and stabs the WK in the stomach. WK dies quick but Hydriana is hurt. Woop!)

Hydriana: I…I am dying…(expects Aragorn to scoop her up in his arms and heal her or bring her to the Houses of Healing)

Arwen: 'Bout time.

Hydriana: What?? Here I am, dying on the ground after an epic and brave battle with the Witch-King—

Eowyn: Would've been a lot quicker if you stabbed him in the head.

Hydriana: SHUSH, MORTAL. But now...I am weak...Aragorn...I must tell you something...

Aragorn: What?

Hydriana: ...I...

(Hydriana trembles and faints, falling exactly where Faramir's arms are. Faramir steps away and she crashes onto the ground)

Boromir: Hehe, good work.

Faramir: Yup, hehe.

((((MEANWHILE))))

Lady Charity: Nelarun, what happened? I have no idea where that Mary-Sue came from!

Nelarun: Are you sure you didn't write her?

Lady Charity: Heavens, no! I HATE Mary-Sues!

Nelarun: Have you tried deleting her and rewriting the chapter?

Lady Charity: Yes! But it does nothing! In fact, when I tried that, a message popped out saying that a new Mary-Sue has been born!

((((((MEANWHILE, IN A PLACE WHERE ERAGON FANFICTION THRIVES)))))))

Avalon's Mist: (reading a fanfiction on Eragon) NOOOO! A fanfiction including a female dragon rider that falls in love with Murtagh! HELP ME!!!!!

((((BACK TO NELARUN AND LADY CHARITY))))

Nelarun: Ahh, it can't be that bad.

Lady Charity: Maybe.

((((BACK WITH AVALON'S MIST))))

AM: HELLLLPPPPPP!!!! (drowning in a pool of words that refer to the Mary-Sue)

((((BACK TO US)))

Nelarun: (taps chin) Hmm, I know! I think that after Aragorn threw unexpected Fanfiction readers into Mary-Sue land and when they escaped, a Mary-Sue must've sneaked out with them! Then, it influences the reader/writer, after being in Mary-Sue land, to spread the Mary-Sues! Then, it must've reached to you!

Lady Charity: NOOO! This…this can't be happening…

Nelarun: Look! (points to story) There's words coming up…

Lady Charity: Let me read!

_Hydriana: SHUSH, MORTAL. And now…I need…_

_(Hydriana trembles and faints, falling exactly where Faramir's arms are. Faramir steps away and she crashes onto the ground)_

_Boromir: Hehe, good work. _

_Faramir: Yup, hehe. _

Lady Charity: Yes! They're defying the Mary-Sue's power by their own! They're fighting back!

Nelarun: Now…we can only wait and watch…

(silence)

Lady Charity: I'll get the popcorn!

Nelarun: And I'll get the pop!

((((MEANWHILE))))

Boromir: What'll we do, guys? Sure, we can foil all of the Mary-Sue's plans, but she'll NEVER GO AWAY!

Aragorn: There is only one thing to do…we must BREAK HER HEART!!

(silence)

Legolas: How are we going to do that?

Aragorn: …I dunno…


	18. DIE!

**I'm sorry for the long wait.**

**My Power of the Pen competition is this Saturday…**

**February 24…2007. **

**Anyways…i don't own Sue-Off. hehehe.  
**

Boromir: I get your plan on breaking the Mary-Sue's heart, but…

Aragorn: What?

Boromir: Does she have a heart to break?

Aragorn: …you got a point.

Boromir: Of course. So what'll we do?

Frodo: Well, I have found something on this ad….

Arwen: What is it? WHAT IS IT??

Frodo: This brand new anti-spray called Sue-Off. It was invented by someone called…Avalon's Mist.

((((SOMEWHERE))))

Avalon's Mist: (sprays Mary-Sue off computer) That'll teach you all a lesson, suckers! (peers at screen) Hmm, funny. ¾ of the fanfiction from is missing…

((((BACK))))

Legolas: Can we really trust something like that? Mary-Sues are writhing army of perfect females ready to strike at every link in Fanfiction world!

Eowyn: And to think we even have Mary-Sues here in Canada.

Faramir: Screw the person who let them loose then.

Lady Charity: (far away) Uhh…(blushes and whistles)

Frodo: I don't know about you guys, but I'm buying this Sue-Off. It sounds promising.

Galadriel: Yeah, you can REALLY trust things that claim to eliminate a certain body of mankind with just one spray…

Aragorn: I agree with the elf. I think Legolas, Boromir, Faramir and I are gonna do the male way of killing things. C'mon guys, let's go find my turbo gun.

Everyone: …

Frodo: Well, I'm off.

Pippin: Where are you going?

Frodo: I'm calling 1-800-SUE-OFF.

Merry: kay…

(((MEANWHILE)))

Boromir: Okay, we're out of the cottage. Now how are we going to kill this Mary-Sue.

Legolas: Well, fate of the Mary-Sue is based on the fates of others, so we have to think this one wisely.

Aragorn: This is harder than planning how to guillotine Faramir…

Faramir: Hey!

Boromir: How about we shoot her with a gun or a bow and arrow?

Aragorn: Can't. You see, due to Sueology, if we plan to shoot the Sue, the weapon would suddenly aim at someone else, and then the Mary-Sue will make a stunt jump to block the target and gets hit, and then die a slow, bloody death where the supposed victim will cry over her dying body.

Boromir: I don't know what you just said but it sounds bloody excellent. The Sue dies. The End.

Legolas: But that won't work! Have you ever studied Sueology in Steward school?

Boromir: Not that I intend to.

Legolas: That is a beautiful and tragic death of a Mary-Sue, which will only produce more.

Faramir: What about drowning?

Legolas: No! Then her corpse will magically be floating lazily in a creek, her hair floating and flowers suddenly appear around her. That cause even more Mary-Sue Spores!

Faramir: How the bloody heck do you know this?

Boromir: What do you expect, little bro. They're Mary-Sues themselves.

Aragorn: (gasps) How…how dare you even think that!!!

Boromir: I was kidding!!!

Faramir: Burn her at stake? Hang her?

Legolas: No, no, NO! They're all too romantic!

Aragorn: How 'bout we cut off her head. Nothing romantic about that.

Legolas: You're right.

((((LATER))))

Hydriana: Prepare to meet your doom! I shall spread my Mary-Sue spores and suffocate you!!!

Eowyn: No! Please! We'll do anything! SPARE US!

Arwen: Yeah! Spare the beautiful women! Here, you can take the ugly halflings!

Pippin: Hey!

Merry: We're not ugly!

(Suddenly, the door flies open. A small, short creature stands, his arms outstretched with a small yet treacherous bottle gleaming in his hands. Wind blew Frodo's hair back as he yelled a war cry)

Frodo: STOP MARY-SUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sprays Hydriana)

Hydriana: Ahh! I'm melting……

Frodo: Ha! Never mess with…(flips curly hair) The Legend of Frodo.

(Suddenly, the door flies open once more. Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir, and Boromir appear while dragging a bulky package)

Boromir: Where is she? Wheerre is she?

Faramir: We've got a guillotine from WalMart! We're ready to cut her head off!

Galadriel: No need, the halflings already sprayed her.

Legolas: What? The Sue-Off worked?

Frodo: Yup!

((((MEANWHILE))))

Lady Charity: ZzZzzZz…mmph? (after a nice nap, peers at computer screen) Nelarun….NELARUN WAKE UP!!!

Nelarun: Mm? (yawns)

Lady Charity: The Sue! The Sue is gone, the Sue is gone!

Nelarun: …couldn't you have saved the news AFTER I had my nap? You know how many hours it took us to plan how to destroy Hydriana? It's 1:00 AM!!

Lady Charity: I couldn't contain my excitement!

Nelarun: You never can.


	19. What Else Can Go Wrong!

(A storm rages on outside. Frodo stares out the window)

Frodo: Rain, rain, go away, come again another day…

Legolas: If this keeps up, we might have a flood.

Aragorn: Considering what has happened to us these past few weeks, I think a flood would be considered quite normal.

Boromir: Yeah, like that mad sister of yours, Legolas.

Legolas: I TOLD you all! I don't have a sister!

Boromir: I wouldn't be surprised if she was your sister. After all, you're both Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus…

Legolas: (gasps) I am NOT a Gary-Stu!

Pippin: You are handsome, an awesome archer, a brave companion of the Fellowship, and you're the freaking prince of Mirkwood. You can't get any more Gary-Stuish than that!

Legolas: (sobs) I am not!

Merry: Well, then again, he is a sissy, so I guess not…

Legolas: I am NOT a sissy! (sobs)

Galadriel: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

(suddenly, thunder and lightning crackles and all light goes off)

Arwen: Great, we have a power failure!

Eowyn: EVERYTHING bad happens to us!

Galadriel: Ah! Ah! I can't see!

Legolas: NONE of us can!

(lightning flashes)

Aragorn: Man! I only could see for half a second!

Boromir: I'll go find my laptop…

Eowyn: Why would you need a laptop?

Boromir: Easy! You use the little lights that the laptop shines for light!

Eowyn: That IS smart…but you'll need to PLUG IT IN TOO!

Boromir: …oh yeah…

Arwen: OUCH! Nana, you stepped on my foot!

Galadriel: I'm SORRY, Arwen, but it's not like I can really see where I'm going!

Aragorn: Great! WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG?!

Legolas: NOOO, YOU SAID THE UNLUCKY SENTENCE!!!

Faramir: (pokes head out of basement door) Eh…guys? Our basement is flooding.

Arwen: ARAGORN! (karate-chops his head) THIS IS ALLYOUR FAULT!

Aragorn: MY FAULT??? HOW IS THIS MY FAULT??

Arwen: WELL, you said the sentence: "What else can go wrong?"

Legolas: (gasps) Arwen! You just said it too!

Arwen: What??

Aragorn: Haha, I'm not the only one.

Faramir: The water! THE WATER IS RISING TO GROUND LEVEL!

Frodo: This is YOUR fault now, Arwen.

Arwen: My fault?? How is this my fault??

Frodo: You said the sentence: "What else can—"

Pippin: NOOOO, DON'T SAY IT! (slaps frodo's mouth)

Frodo: OW!

Arwen: We need to get on higher grounds! The water is already up to my shins!

Merry: Lucky for you to say. The water's already up to our thighs!

Galadriel: Retreat! RETREAT! OW! (bumps into wall)

Faramir: dangit, we can't see anything!

Boromir: Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!

Aragorn: What??

Boromir: While we were shopping for guillotines in Wal-Mart, I also bought a sword.

Legolas: …yeah, so?

Boromir: It's a SPECIAL sword! It's called Ache, and it glows bright pink when Mary-Sues are around!

Frodo: Kinda reminds me of Sting…

Faramir: (grimaces) Bright…pink…?

Boromir: Yup! (Unsheathes sword. The sword rattles and started to grow bright pink)

Legolas: Why is it glowing? There's no Mary-Sues around here—

Aragorn: You ARE a Mary-Sue!

Legolas: W-well…you're one too! And Arwen! And Eowyn!

Arwen: Hey!

Eowyn: Hey!

Arwen: I have never been more insulted in my life…

Frodo: (struggles to stay afloat) While you oldies gibber, can you PLEASE help us? The water rose up to our CHINS while you guys were quarreling!

Boromir: Oh yeah! TO THE UPPER LEVEL, MEN!

Eowyn: A-HEM!

Boromir: (sighs) AND ladies.

Pippin: Help uuuuuuuussssssss! (sinks)

Legolas: Fool of a Took! (yanks out) Come on! We need to go!

Merry: This would be a good time to have a Huckleberry Ferry with us!

**Oh dear, oh dear, it seems that our favorite LoTR characters our having quite the time of their lives these days. **

**What will happen to these galiant warriors?**


	20. Survivor

(The water is slowly rising to 1/3 of the stairs. All of the LoTR cast are piled up on the cramped second level)

Legolas: We're gonna die…

Aragorn: Don't be pessimistic! We'll be all right!

Legolas: Oh yeah? And how's that?

Aragorn: …I have no idea.

Arwen: The second level is too small for all ten of us! We're too cramped! We need more space! I'm CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

Frodo: (squished between Faramir and Boromir) At least YOU'RE not stuck between two fatsos!

Boromir: I'm not fat!

Faramir: Neither am I!

Merry: You guys eat the most.

Boromir: Too true, but we have a slow metabolism. I'm sure we're fine.

Galadriel: Less chatting, more thinking! The water is rising higher and higher! We'll have to get up to the roof at this rate, and we all can't fit there!

Legolas: WAIT! MY STRAWBERRY SHAMPOO IS STILL DOWN THERE! I HAVE TO SAVE IT! (Attempts to dive into water)

Eowyn: Oh no you don't! (grabs Legolas's hair)

Legolas: Ow! NOOOOOO!

Arwen: You could just let him drown, you know.

Eowyn: Too late.

Frodo: WAIT! IS RINGIE DOWN THERE?

Pippin: Is what down there?

Frodo: Ringie!

Pippin: Oh…uh…

Frodo: I got to get Ringie!

Aragorn: Don't even think about it.

Boromir: Hurry! We have to get to the roof!

Aragorn: HOW DO WE DO THAT??

Frodo: You've faced wars, invasions, and arguments where you needed to plan miraculous strategies, and yet you still don't know how to get to the roof??

Aragorn: Okay, okay! We'll have to break a hole on the roof and climb out that way!

Legolas: How do we break a hole?

Aragorn: Easy. (turns to Frodo) Frodo! Ringie is up on the roof! Go get it!

Frodo: RINGIE??! I'M COMING, RINGIE! (breaks a hole on roof and climbs out)

Arwen: That was freakishly easy.

Legolas: Shut up! We need to get up on the roof!

(Everyone clambers onto the slippery roof tiles. Rain pours onto the little forest and thunder crackles)

Eowyn: …maybe going on a higher level WASN'T a good idea after all.

Galadriel: Argh! Predictions were right! We all can't fit on here!

Legolas: Then it's time we do Survivor. Who votes that Boromir and Aragorn should be left behind?

(Legolas, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Eowyn, and Galadriel raise their hands)

Legolas: All right then, who opposes?

(Aragorn, Boromir, and Arwen raise their hands)

Legolas: Aragorn and Boromir, please step off the roof. You are disqualified from this round.

Boromir: WHAT ROUND??

Aragorn: That isn't fair! What if we drown?

Pippin: You guys are warriors, I'm sure you can swim.

Boromir: But…but…

Aragorn: Don't we at least get those Númenor inflatable rafts?

Galadriel: Sorry, but no. SOMEONE (glares at Pippin) thought that it was an abnormally giant PINCUSHION.

Pippin: It was soft! And cushy! It was normal for me to believe so!

Aragorn: (grumbles) Normal for you, yeah.

Legolas: Hurry up and get off before the roof collapses. Then what'll we do?

Boromir: Hopefully, you'll all drown. That's what you deserve.

(Legolas shoves Boromir off the roof through the hole)

Boromir: Aieeeee!

Aragorn: (sighs) If it is for a good cause…(dramatically climbs down hole)

Merry: Bon voyage.

Legolas: Finally! Some stretching room!

**Poor poor Boromir and Aragorn. They now have to face the wrath of water. I do hope they know how to swim.**

**Oh yes, I don't own LoTR. It's quite obvious, I think. **


	21. Continuation of flood

**This is a rather long one, five pages on Microsoft Word. Then again, the format of this story is different from a normal story with 'paragraphs.'**

(Review on last chapter: Aragorn and Boromir are slowly drowning. 'Nuff said)

Aragorn: Well, if this isn't the icing on the bloody cake.

(All around him, water is everywhere up to his waist. And he's on the second floor. This ain't good.)

Boromir: Any idea how to survive?

Aragorn: Nope.

Boromir: This is sad. You faced snowy mountains, goblin-infested dwarf mountains, Fangorn Forest, the war against Minas Tirith and Mordor, and my brother. Yet you still can't conjure a solution?

Aragorn: I'd like to see you try!

Boromir: Gladly. (looks around) Hey! Isn't that Legolas' shampoo?

Aragorn: Hmm, it is!

Boromir: Good! Now I'll trade it for some protection. Sayonara, sucker.

Aragorn: What? Wait! (Boromir already disappears through the roof hole) Oh, this is just great. Now I'm stuck here by myself, and the water is rising higher and higher!

* * *

Legolas: Yes, you can stay on the roof, Boromir.

Boromir: Yes! I am saved.

Frodo: (whimpers) But my Ringie is still down there!

Arwen: Don't worry, Frodo. We'll find your…Ringie when the water is gone.

Galadriel: But how do we get rid of the water?

Pippin: Don't ask us, you're supposed to be the wise, wizened elf around here.

Galadriel: Hey! Take that back!

Pippin: Why?

(Galadriel takes and handful of Pippin's hair and yanks it)

Pippin: Okay, okay! I take it back!

Faramir: Stop it, guys! We need to get an idea how to get the water out of this whole area!

Merry: How are we going to do that? By the time that happens, all our stuff will be ruined and Aragorn will be nothing but a sodden lump of a ranger!

Arwen: (sobs)

Boromir: Maybe we need to give an offering to the infamous Lady Charity!

Eowyn: Huh?

Boromir: Obviously, she's wreaking this havoc upon us, so instead of marching to her lair and massaging her feet, we can give her an offering! (turns to the sky) O Great Lady Charity! Please take this hobbit as a gift of gratitude, sacrifice, and good riddance! (holds up Pippin)

Pippin: Put me down! I don't want to be an offering to some mad fan writer/actrerss wannabe!

(The storm crackles louder, electric bolts an inch from striking the house)

Boromir: (whispering) I…I think you angered her! Toss the evil hobbit into the water! Perhaps that should rid him!

Pippin: No way, José! I'm not getting anywhere NEAR the edge of this roof!

Frodo: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I know!

Boromir: (warily) This isn't school, Frodo. You don't have to raise your hand.

Frodo: Okay!

Everyone: …

Faramir: …aren't you going to tell us?

Frodo: Oh yeah!

Everyone: (facepalm)

Frodo: Since Faramir, Boromir, and us hobbits have such a large stomach, we can drink all the water out of the area and save the world!

Everyone: …

Boromir: You're not serious, are you?

Frodo: I am serious!

Faramir: That's crazy! How can five beings be able to slurp up about a million gallons of water without bursting like a water balloon?

Pippin: Well, I dunno, we DID manage to finish Legolas's birthday feast…

Merry: …and still managed to demand tenths…

Boromir: Fine! We'll try it out!

Aragorn: (from below) Can you guys HELP me here? The water is coming higher and higher and I won't be able to BREATHE soon!

Frodo: Super Frodo and his minions shall save you!

Faramir: (grimaces) Minions? This doesn't sound good. Oh well.

(The five trudge to the hole and stick their faces in the water, drinking it up. Miraculously, the water level immediately lowers and the flooding ceases)

Frodo: (speech is translated from gurgling) Good work, team! We're almost there!

(One hour later)

Faramir: Oh, by the name of Gondor…(rubs stomach)

Boromir: I'm going to burst…

Pippin: (pukes) I already have…

Legolas: Wow, guys! I can't believe you really did it! You saved the WORLD!

Merry: It's just Canada…eurgh. (clutches stomach) I think I swallowed something I didn't want to taste…

Arwen: What, is it something that we packed?

Merry: Probably. I hope it gets out…one way or the other.

Eowyn: Ewwww, stay away from me.

Frodo: I feel awful.

Boromir: Join the club.

Merry: Ohhhh….(throws up)

Frodo: Hey! That's my Ringie! You swallowed it!

Legolas: Eurgh, I don't know if you want that anymore.

Frodo: Yay! Ringie!

Faramir: (sighs) At least one of us are happy.

**Oh dear, we have five water balloons in our little family….**


	22. Pirates 3

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 spoilers ahead  

（Review of last week. The flood ended)

Eowyn: (bangs on door) Faramir! You've been in the bathroom for hours!

Faramir: What do you expect? I've been drinking up an ocean of rainwater! Go use the upstairs bathroom!

Eowyn: I can't! BOROMIR is using that one! He's been in there longer than you!

Faramir: (sighs) Well, he did have a larger mouth. What about the swimming pool? Pippin told me that even Merry couldn't resist using it once.

Arwen: (pops into conversation) So it _wasn't_ Boromir who peed in the pool! Whoops.

Eowyn: (grumbles) The little halflings are using that! I can't come in and pee in a pool with GUYS!

Faramir: Then hold it. You don't have a million gallons of water in your bladder pouch.

Eowyn: Argh! (leaves)

Faramir: Ahh…peace and quiet….

Aragorn: You better hurry up. I need to take a shower. It isn't very comfortable when some guy is trying to drink you up after swimming in dirty rainwater mixed with TOILET WATER, _Faramir. _

Faramir: I didn't notice you there! You were in the water, after all, and I wasn't thinking!

Aragorn: You can't even think at all!

Faramir: QUIET! If you want to take a shower, let me have peace so I can finish quicker!

(Aragorn stomps away)

Faramir: FINALLY, I can be at peace!

Arwen: (bangs on door) Faramir! I need to get in there!

Faramir: (growling) Now why is that?

Arwen: I found a disproportionate eyebrow hair that is too close to my forehead! I HAVE to pluck it out!

Faramir: You ARE a Mary-Sue! (sighs) Wait a while, will you? I still have more than three gallons here!

Arwen: Arrgh!

Faramir: (grumbles) This isn't my day.

Legolas: Fa-a-a-arami-i-i-ir!

Faramir: WHAT?!

Legolas: (in a robotic voice) You've got mail!

Faramir: Can you slide it under the door?

Legolas: Emails are quite hard to slide under the door.

Faramir: Oh…fine. I'll just hurry up.

(half an hour later. Legolas snoozes on the leather couch near the bathroom)

Faramir: I am DONE! Phew, I thought I never left the bathroom.

Eowyn: (rushes in) Me too.

Arwen: Hey! I needed the bathroom!

Aragorn: And me!

Faramir: Isn't Boromir done with the bathroom upstairs yet?

Aragorn: Nope.

Arwen: (sighs) I might as well pass the time…LET'S GO TO THE MOVIE THEATRE!

Aragorn: Why would we do that? We are the ones who belong in the movie! Fans will cry our names and say "Autograph! Autograph! Oh please, give me an autograph!"

Faramir: Aren't you overreacting a little.

Aragorn: No, I'm being quite realistic.

Faramir: True, too true.

Arwen: How about we watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End?

Legolas: That'll be hard, considering we never watched the other two.

Aragorn: How did you know there were two other movies?

Legolas: I don't know, it's like I have another mind who knows these things…_(cough) Will Turner (cough) _

Faramir: Ah. Right.

Arwen: well, how about we dump these fellows and go watch it?

Everyone: Yeah!

_At the movie theatre. _

**Norrington: Our fates were always intertwined, Elizabeth. But never joined (kisses Elizabeth)**

Faramir: EEEWWW THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Legolas: Yeah! He looks OLD!

Aragorn: He's like, five times her senior!

Legolas: Look at that hair! It's whiter than Gandalf's!

Arwen: It's a WIG, you idiots! And he has brown hair under it! He's only, like, I don't know, thirty? You men have no romantic bone!

Aragorn: Oh, forgive me for—Whoaaah! He got STABBED! GO BOOTSTRAP BILL!

Audience: Shut up you idiots! NOOOO, Norrington DIEEEDD!!

Faramir: Haha, grandpa died.

(Later)

**Will Turner: Elizabeth Swann, do you take me to be your husband?**

**Elizabeth Swann: I do.**

**Will Turner: Great!**

**Elizabeth Swann: Will Turner, do you take me to be your wife, in sickness and in health, with health being less likely?**

**Will Turner: I do.**

**Barbossa: You may kiss! You may kiss! JUST KISS!**

Legolas: I don't know, I just somehow KNEW that Will was going to say that!

Arwen: Aragorn, sweetie, how come our wedding wasn't this action-packed and romantic?

Aragorn: (sighs) Fighting for the buffet table with the hobbits was action-packed enough, honey.

Audience: Shut up! (squeals) Aww, they're kissing!

(later)

Legolas: I can't believe we got kicked out of the movie!

Aragorn: I know! I don't get it!

Faramir: We were getting in the good parts too!

Arwen: Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because you men KEEP INSULTING THE MOVIE AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOICE!

Men: (covering ears) Not as loud as you, we presume.

Arwen: I am never going to watch anything with males anymore! Good bye, you sluggards! (leaves)

Legolas: Fine! Leave! See if we care!

Faramir: …she has the car keys.

Aragorn: GET HER!

**There you go. Another chapter. Yes, I loved Pirates 3. It was so awesome. I felt so sad when Norry-ton died. (sighs) but it did make a good scene. **


	23. Return to the Movie Theatre

**Absolutely sorry for the long wait. But I'm afraid to say that...the next chapter will be the last chapter. This chapter would've been the last chapter, but I decided to make the next chapter the last chapter. So, I'll try to make them as long as possible...**

Arwen: I can't believe it's over...

Frodo: No...NO! It CAN'T be over! It just can't!

Boromir: It only started not too long ago!

Legolas: (dramatically closes Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows)

Aragorn: It's terrible to know that the geeky wizard with glasses is finally gone from our lives.

Sam: I know. But we did make it last as long as possible!

Faramir: Oh yeah. We each read only two pages a day to make it last.

Galadriel: I can't believe Snape was good...I thought he was bad all along!

Eowyn: I can't believe Harry didn't even kill Voldemort...he just killed himself!

Pippin: I don't know, kind of a step-down for the greatest wizard that ever lived, eh?

Boromir: Ah well, life's ironies...

Merry: Guess what guys?! I got tickets to Sweeney Todd the movie!

Arwen: Really?! I want a ticket! Give me one! I _love_ Johnny Depp-

Aragorn: A_hem_.

Arwen: Uh...I mean, I love uh...singing...barbers...

Aragorn: That's my chubby bunny!

Everyone: ...

Merry: Anyways, we should go watch it! I heard it was amazing!

Legolas: How would you be able to watch it? The movie theatre people would think you're a seven-year-old and not let you in.

Merry: Well, if all of us hobbits stood on each other's shoulders, we could equal up to Aragorn's height!

Aragorn: Maybe less.

Frodo: Hey!

* * *

Arwen: You don't think they would recognize us from Pirates of the Caribbean 3, right? I mean, you guys made a fool of yourselves. 

Boromir: Relax! That was five months ago!

Aragorn: Yeah! Finally, we get to get out of the cottage! You know, we didn't do anything for the past eight or so months.

Legolas: Yeah, if you don't count Frodo almost drowning, Arwen getting chased by deer, Boromir swallowing Frodo's ring, and Galadriel getting the sniffles.

Aragorn: Exactly my point! I've been bored out of my MIND!

Legolas: Uh huh...

Movie Ticket Person-Guy-Thing: What movie would you guys like to see?

Frodo: Uh, we'd like to watch Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber on Fleet Street.

Movie guy: Sorry kid, but you're underage. NEXT!

Frodo: Wait, wait! these old, overage elves and humans are coming with me, doesn't that count?

Movie Guy: New policy. _No one_ underage is allowed to watch. NEXT!

Frodo: But we paid for the tickets! Why would you guys care if we're underage, you're getting more money!

Movie Guy: Hey, kid, I'm trying not to get fired. NEXT!

Frodo: What if...(whips out a five dollar bill) What if Abraham Lincoln was my guardian?

Movie Guy:...fine, go ahead.

Frodo: Yippee!

Eowyn: Just how did you know how to con people like that?

Frodo: It's not con-ing! I'm giving them money!

Eowyn: You have a point...

* * *

**Sweeney Todd: (**spoken under his breath) **There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and it's filled with people who are filled of shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it...**

Boromir: Dang, someone's a cynic.

Arwen: Do I have to throw you out of the movie theatre again? Shut up!

Boromir: But seriously! No one calls other people filled with-

Everyone: SHUT...UP...

**Mrs. Lovett:** **Mr. T, you didn't! **  
(looks into the chest, sees Pirelli's dead body and gasps)

**Mrs. Lovett:You're barking mad! Killing a man what done ya no harm!**

**Sweeney Todd:** (polishing his razor) **He recognized me from the old days. Tried to blackmail me. Half me earnings.**

**Mrs. Lovett: Oh, well that's a different matter then. For a moment there I thought you lost your marbles.**  
(opens the chest again and stares)

**Mrs. Lovett: Ugh! All that blood. Poor bugger. Oh well!** (looks through Pirelli's jacket before removing his money pouch and examining its contents)**Well, waste not, want not!**

Boromir: Heh. Hehehe.

Aragorn: ...what's so funny?

Boromir: I'd probably do the same thing too if that Pirelli dude had the Ring inside that pouch.

Frodo: He-e-ey, me too! We have a lot more in common than I thought we did!

Aragorn: ...

(later)

**Beggar Woman: 'ey, don't I know you, mister?**

Frodo: OH MY GOODNESS I KNOW WHO THAT WOMAN IS! SHE'S LUCY!

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Johnny Depp fangirls: GET THE SHORTIE!

Frodo: Aiee! (is chased by an angry mob of Sweeney fans)

Broadway Lovers: Meh, I don't care. I knew that all along...

(later)

Aragorn: No, no, Mrs. Lovett! DON'T FOLLOW THE LIGHT!

Legolas: Stupid woman, look behind you! _Notice_ the great big fire behind you! _Notice that you're going near it at an accelerating speed-_Ah, dangit, she got burned!

Merry: That scream was awfully freaky. Like Elrond when he found out that he lost his pretty crown.

Arwen: When did Father lose his crown?

Merry: (sheepishly) Uh...never...

Pippin: Look guys, it's that Toby boy! (GASPS) Oh no! He's going to kill-

(TOBY KILLS SWEENEY TODD)

Pippin: -Sweeney Todd...can you at least wait for a little while so I can look smart?!

Aragorn: Sorry Pip, but you'll never be smart.

Pippin: That's...quite cruel, really...

Arwen: Well, that was an interesting movie.

Eowyn: Goodness, there was more blood in that movie than in the war we fought!

Aragorn: That wasn't real blood. It was totally fake. I mean, it wasn't thick enough nor was it dark enough to be red. Also, when blood flows, it isn't nearly as fast as how that thing spurted out like Old Faithful. Not to mention that the victims had _much_ more blood than a normal human body.

Faramir: Since when were you all scientific?

Aragorn: Boy, after years of ranger school, you learn to at least identify blood with food coloring.

Pippin: Well, that was a good movie. Though I must say, Frodo missed the ending.

Legolas: Where is that bugger, anyways?

(Meanwhile)

Frodo: (hanging upside down from the Empire State building) You know...this is strangely getting awfully comfortable...

**Hmm...I'm not sure if the LoTR cast enjoyed Sweeney very much. Haha**

* * *


	24. Valentine Cards

Frodo: Guess what guys? It's almost Valentine's Day!

Boromir: I figured that part out myself, funny enough. Did you know practically all the stores down the street are practically drowning in pink hearts? When you look at it, it makes you feel like you're in a Valentine card!

Arwen: You don't have a romantic bone in your body, do you?

Aragorn: What do you expect? Only he, the hobbits, and Legolas are the only characters who don't have a love interest.

Legolas: You make me feel so unwanted.

Merry: Well, if you want to go and hook up with one of your fan girls, you can go right ahead.

Legolas: On second thought, being single doesn't look so bad after all!

Eowyn: So what do you guys think we should do for Valentine's Day?

Boromir: Nothing. It's so overrated.

Faramir: Aww, come on! Valentine's Day is the only day we could express our love freely without getting funny looks from strangers!

Boromir: I'd give you funny looks if you were eating Eowyn's face off in public, even if it was Valentine's Day.

Eowyn: Haha, very funny.

Galadriel: We could give each other Valentine cards!

Pippin: Ew! Cooties! I don't like all the romantic gushy stuff! It's so awkward!

Aragorn: There's chocolate involved.

Galadriel: And cookies.

Pippin: ...Valentine's Day is a great idea!

Boromir: (groans)

Legolas: So how about this: we all give cards to people, and we all get one from a different person, how about?

Boromir: But there's more girls than guys.

Faramir: We don't have to write to a different gender. And it doesn't have to be a love note! Just something that says "Happy Valentine's Day" or something like that!

Boromir: Phew! That's a relief...

* * *

Merry: Argh! Making paper hearts is hard! 

Pippin: Why are you making paper hearts?

Merry: I don't want to spend the money to buy pretty cards, so I'm writing notes on paper hearts.

Pippin: (stares at mutilated hearts) Well, you'd be spending a lot of money either way, because you're going to need a lot more paper by the looks of it.

Merry: ...good point.

Pippin: Besides, we have a gazillion dollars ever since we sold Legolas' shampoo long time ago. What's the point of just leaving it there, gathering dust?

Merry: You're right! Good bye, ugly hearts, hello dollar store! (shreds hearts)

* * *

Aragorn: Legolas, can I have your advice? 

Legolas: What is it?

Aragorn: I don't know what to get Arwen. Red roses? White? Dark chocolate? Milk? White? Caramel? TRUFFLES?!

Legolas: Whoah, calm down! You're asking the guy who never gets paired up with anyone.

Aragorn: You're right. But what would you prefer if you were getting roses and chocolate?

Legolas: Well...I can't say I want roses, but chocolate-covered strawberries are always nice. They do sound romantic.

Aragorn: Okay...

* * *

(On the day of Valentine's, Frodo approaches the gang wearing only a diaper and sporting Legolas' bow and arrow) 

Frodo: Hear ye! Hear ye! I am Cupid, also known as Eros in Greek! I am here to deliver the Valentine's card!

Everyone: Hooray!

Boromir: Great. This place is going to have cheesiness up the wazoo.

Eowyn: ...wazoo?

Boromir: Don't ask.

Frodo: To...BOROMIR! From...MERRY!

Aragorn: This ought to be good.

Boromir: (reading out loud) "Dear Boromir, Hi. Bye. Sincerely, Merry." What kind of Valentine's Card is that?

Merry: Hey, you said you didn't want anything gushy or tender-hearted.

Frodo: NEXT! To...ME! From...Boromir? "Dear Frodo. I like you, but not as much as I like your Ring. Can you tell your Ring that I want to get together? Thanks." Uhh...I'll let him know...

Pippin: Awkward...

Frodo: To...ARWEN! From Aragorn!

Arwen: Cool! "Dearest Arwen, my love for you is stronger than the forces of Middle Earth. Whenever I hear your angelic name, my heart skips a beat and I am immediately washed with serenity-"

Eowyn: Aww, that's so sweet-

Arwen: I'm not done yet. "-even the snowy white roses I present to you cannot compare to your beauty and fragrance. Your skin is snowy white like a pearl, and your eyes are the wellpools of my happiness. Your fragrance is sweeter than a flower bed, like a sugar bun out of the oven-"

Boromir: Is there no end to this novel?!

Arwen: "-your touch always warms my entire body like a cheery fire, but softer and more beautiful. You will always be the reason of my existence and the joy in my life. Love, Aragorn."

Galadriel: Isn't that romantic?

Frodo: Cheesy is more like it.

Arwen: You guys are just jealous you didn't get such a flowery and extravagant card like I did!

Frodo: A-n-y-w-a-y-s! A card to Legolas, from Galadriel!

Legolas: Ooh! "Dear Legolas, Happy Valentine's Day! I reckoned I should give you a card even if I'm married, because you're a loner anyways. Love, Galadriel." I don't know whether I should be happy or insulted.

Frodo: Be happy. We don't need any gloominess putting a damper on our mood. A letter to Galadriel, from Pippin!

Galadriel: "Dear Galadriel, I've written you a poem. Happy Valentine's Day, I have nothing else to say, this is a day for happy lovers, but we have none of those." Hey, that doesn't even rhyme!

Legolas: And it was stupid and didn't make any sense.

Pippin: That's...quite cruel.

Frodo: Hey, Eowyn, here's a letter for you from Faramir!

Eowyn: "Dear Love-bird. Love ya, sweet cheeks! Sincerely, Faramir." Awww!

Boromir: And you say I don't have a romantic bone in my body...

Frodo: Here's a letter from Eowyn to Pippin! No wait, it isn't a letter, it's a gift!

Pippin: Yay! (rips open gift) A...chocolate bunny! COOL!

Galadriel: ...chocolate bunny?

Merry: Isn't that for like, Easter?

Eowyn: That was what the stores were selling today! So I thought it was for Valentine's Day!

Legolas: Yeah, but the stores always sell things for holidays five months away right on the day of a holiday. They're strange that way.

Aragorn: Amen.

Pippin: I'm not complaining, I got meself a chocolate bunny...

**So I changed my mind. I decided to put a Valentine's tribute for this chapter before I end it.**


	25. Crazy Trip Home

Pippin: You know what, Merry?

Merry: (yawns) What?

Pippin: I think I'm homesick.

Merry: Homesick? How can you be homesick? We've only been away from home for a paltry one and a half years! Compare that to our trek to destroy the Ring!

Pippin: I know, I know, but you know, I think Middle Earth needs us. If you haven't noticed, we still haven't destroyed the Ring yet.

(Merry and Pippin turn to see Frodo)

Frodo: My...precious...(rubs Ring)

Merry: You've got a point.

Legolas: I agree. I'm tired of fangirls, Mary-Sues. and Lady Charity.

Galadriel: Yeah! If we leave this so-called 'Fanfiction' world, we won't be able to be controlled by her anymore!

Boromir: But then I'll die.

Legolas: (solemnly) We all need to make sacrifices.

* * *

Aragorn: Where in the world is my socks...Arwen! Where are my socks? 

Arwen: Don't ask me, you're the one always throwing your clothes around!

Aragorn: Boromir, did you sell those too when we were broke?

Boromir: Uh, no...

Aragorn: This is madness! How am I supposed to pack if I don't know where the clothes are?

Frodo: Did you look under your bed?

Aragorn: Yes!

Faramir: In the drawers?

Aragorn: Of course!

Eowyn: How about the microwave?

Aragorn: ...what?

Eowyn: Well, that's where Faramir found his underwear...

Faramir: Don't ask...

Aragorn: I don't know where it is!

Merry: How about in your suitcase!

Aragorn: I told you, I lost them, I couldn't have packed them and lost them at the same time! Look! (wrenches open suitcase to reveal a neat pile of socks)

Aragorn: Well...um...carry on with your packing! We gotta leave soon!

Eowyn: I think we have enough time. I mean, who really needs to arrive at the airport seven hours early?

Legolas: But we have to drive a long time, remember? Especially if Arwen goes left instead of right. Or right instead of left. Whatever.

Arwen: That was so not my fault-

Boromir: Can you guys stop bickering and hurry up? Considering our luck, we're probably going to end up-

Frodo: Don't curse us! Every time we curse ourselves, we end up cursed! IT'S A CURSE!

Faramir: Gee. I wonder why.

Aragorn: Okay! I'm all done packing! What about everyone else? All ready? Let's get into the car!

Galadriel: Who will be driving?

Pippin: I want to try driving!

Legolas: You won't even be able to look over the steering wheel.

Pippin: Not unless I sit on a suitcase or something!

Faramir: I'll drive...

Aragorn: Hurry up guys! We have six hours, fifty-three minutes,. and seventeen seconds, let's MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

Eowyn: All right, all right! We're going!

(Everybody piles up in the car. But now due to eating so much food like Boromir's barbeque and Applebee's, they can barely fit in comfortably)

Aragorn: Dang, I knew we should've taken those early ranger hiking trips more often.

Legolas: You're the one to talk! You practically polished off all of Arwen's Valentine's chocolate!

Faramir: No time for fighting! I've got to drive and I can't have you two arguing!

Legolas: Well, look who's arguing!

Faramir: Just shut up! Okay!

Everyone: ...

* * *

(later) 

Merry and Pippin: We'll be coming around the mountain when she comes!

Boromir: Yeeha!

Merry and Pippin: We'll be coming around the mountain when she comes!

Faramir: Yeeha!

Aragorn: Not...again...

Frodo: Uh oh...UH OH! STOP THE CAR! STOP IT!

Faramir: I can't stop, we're on a highway!

Frodo: I LEFT THE RING IN THE COTTAGE!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Legolas: How the heck can you forget the Ring? Isn't that like, your life and purpose?

Frodo: Please, Faramir! Turn back! I have to get it back!

Faramir: But I've been driving for two hours already! I can't just turn back now! Let it stay there, get someone else to destroy it for us-

Frodo: NOW!

Faramir: ...okay...

(later)

Frodo: (runs into cottage) My dear Ringie! I'm so sorry for leaving you! I'll never forget you again! Will you forgive me?

Galadriel: We won't. Now we're going to miss the flight and it's all your fault!

Frodo: It's worth it.

Faramir: Can we please get on going? We're not supposed to be here, anyways, we already gave away our key!

Legolas: Then how did Frodo get back inside the house?

Boromir: Well, we never really fixed that hole he broke in the roof during the flood...

(three hours later)

Aragorn: Augh! We've only got one hour to get checked in, get our bags into the plane, and all that other stuff! Come on, let's move!

Galadriel: Hey! It's not that easy dragging all these suitcases with you!

Aragorn: Maybe next time you won't bring as many clothes with you! Geez, women these days...

Legolas: We didn't leave anyone behind, have we? I don't want a Home Alone event happening to any of us.

Merry: Wait...WHERE'S SAM! OH MY GOODNESS, WE LEFT SAM AT THE COTTAGE!

Pippin: ...I thought Sam stayed back in Middle Earth.

Merry: ...oh yeah. I knew that.

Aragorn: (groans)

(later)

Aragorn: Oh geez...we managed to get our luggage into the plane...got ourselves through those security things...in thirty minutes.

Legolas: Yeah, but now the whole airline hates us.

Merry: That's awfully tiring.

Boromir: Come on guys, get in the plane! Unless you want to get left behind!

(later)

Boromir: Who wants to do some arm wrestling?

Faramir: No. More. Arm. Wrestling. Or. Any. Kind. Of. 'Macho'. Games. Got it?

Boromir:...fine.

Food Trolley person: Hello, first class passengers! Today you have a selection of sea cucumber, cow tongue, and chicken legs.

Pippin: ...do we know you?

Food Trolley person: I'm afraid I don't remember all of my passengers, kid. Now, what would it be?

Merry: Legolas, do you still have that corned beef sandwich?

Legolas: Yeah, if you want year-and-a-half old rotting, moldy meat on black bread.

Merry: ...I think I'll have the chicken legs.

Aragorn: No wait! There's something else over there! You forgot to mention one food!

Food Trolley Person: Oh yeah! Here's some Applebee's pudding!

Faramir: Ooh, I'll have that!

Boromir: I think I'll pass...

(ten hours later)

Frodo: I can't believe we're back! WOOHOO!

Pippin: I don't see why you're so ecstatic. Now we'll have to work.

Legolas: Rivendell sweet Rivendell.

Elrond: What are you guys doing here?!

Arwen: Daddy! We're back from our trip!

Elrond: Trip? What trip? I thought you guys were destroying the Ring!

Pippin: Oh, we were, but then we got tired and decided to go on a year-and-a-half long trip to Canada.

Elrond: Fools! Idiots! While you were off on vacation, Mordor has managed to destroy off almost all small towns and half of Gondor! AND NOW YOU'RE BACK WHERE YOU STARTED AND HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO MORDOR TO DESTROY THE RING!

Everyone: NOOOOOO!


End file.
